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Looking for Some ASSurance…
By The Love Doc | December 20, 2007
Hey Doc,
My boyfriend wants to explore anal sex with me. Me being the receiver, to be clear. Gulp, I’m not that comfortable with the idea. How should I approach this? Should I just tell him NO! Or am I clenching up for nothing? I’m just not sure what to do.
Signed, Not a Pain in the Butt?
Hey Not a Pain,
This a very important question that touches on a more general issue of partners wanting to try things that the other person might not be ready for (now or ever). To be clear, whether we’re talking about anal play or anything else, you should never feel pressured to do something you do not want to do.
That being said, if there’s anything you don’t feel comfortable doing, you might want to ask yourself what prevents you from wanting to try it. I am NOT saying that you must do these things or that everything is “normal.” It’s just that having taught thousands of university students and having worked with many clients/patients, I know for a fact that a) there is such a tremendous range and variety of sexual activities that we can do, and b) you should never assume that anyone else will share your opinion of what you find “normal” or “daring” or “erotic” or “stimulating” or “strange” or “off-limits” or “disgusting” or whatever.
That is one reason I always say (for instance to this writer and this writer) that good communication is crucial in a relationship, especially when it comes to finding out what the other person wants, needs, can’t tolerate, isn’t ready for, etc, sexually.
Returning to the issue of what you might not be prepared to do, please understand that many people’s reluctance to try something (sexual or otherwise) often stems from some (past) beliefs and/or experiences–either their own or others’ that they’ve heard about. And where do these beliefs come from? That is what you should ask yourself.
As for past experiences preventing you from trying something, that is harder to deal with because sometimes the past experience was traumatic. In such cases, reminders of this traumatic incident can trigger a similar reaction to what you felt during the original trauma. This can all apply as well–to a (much) lesser degree–to negative past experiences that were not traumatic.
In these kinds of cases, it’s up to you how much to share with your partner, depending on who that person is, how much you trust them, how safe/comfortable you feel sharing such things with them, etc. Of course the partner might want to know what’s going on if you refuse to do something, but they have no right to demand that you tell them. They can ask, but if you refuse to explain or elaborate beyond, say, “I just can’t do it (and don’t feel comfortable talking about it)”, then only a selfish, clueless, inconsiderate and entirely unempathic partner will continue to push for an answer.
And you can guess what I would have to say about someone who, in this situation, pushes a partner to do something that they obviously are not ready, able, or willing to do. But as I alluded to in the message I linked above, as well as this message from the same docamitay site, my contempt does not apply if someone “gently probes” to see what their partner is willing to do, and if that partner does not give clear indication that they don’t want do do a certain behaviour (assuming they’re not being threatened or intimidated in any way).
As for anal sex specifically, it does not need to be (that) painful, if done properly: That is, if a) enough proper, water-based lubricant is used (petroleum-based products increase the chances of a condom tearing), since the anus produces no lubrication on its own, and other methods such as spitting on the ass or the object to be inserted might work in pornos, this is nowhere close to as effective as proper lubricants; b) you’re sufficiently relaxed (this is usually easier when you’re really sexually aroused), c) the object is inserted slowly and carefully, at a pace you can handle; and d) you refrain from anal play for a while if you ever hurt yourself during a previous encounter.
Books such as The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex or Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men and Women or The Better Sex Guide to Anal Pleasure can help greatly in making sure you explore this erogenous zone in the way that’s best for you. Speaking of which, before even thinking about inserting something as large as a penis, you might want to think about starting with something smaller and more manageable, such as any of these sex/anal toys.
Many of those toys can also be used by men, as more and more straight men these days are discovering how erotic their own anus can be (gay, bisexual, and “sexually liberal” straight men have known about this forever…). Although some straight men might be hesitant to go there due to stigma about playing with the anus and somehow being considered “gay” (remember what I said above about at least thinking about where your own beliefs might come from?), some of these hesitant men might be more willing to explore this amazing erogenous zone from the outside, via the perineum (also known by many slang terms such as “taint” or “choda”); if you want to sound like an “expert,” make sure to pronounce it properly: [peh-ruh-NEE-im], not [puh-RIN-ee-im]. More adventurous men and women might want to check out a previous message on this site that dealt with anal play involving women inserting into men, which also had some links to some great resources.
On a final note, I always tell my students that if you’re ever going to insert something into your anus, please be aware of how the anal sphincter works: it’s like a suction cup or vacuum cleaner (or “black hole”….insert your own joke here…) that sucks everything up that goes near it. That is why you should make sure that you’ve got something that will not easily slip out of your hands (the “eyes” on this guy are not there just to be “cute”), and why most anal toys have a tapered shape and a proper base.
I hope some of this helps if you decide to “take the plunge,” Not a Pain, and please feel free to write me with more questions, thoughts, and/or updates.
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Please send your questions to lovecraft72@gmail.com
Topics: Sex Advice |