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Fifty and Fit to be Tied…
By The Love Doc | December 6, 2007
Dear Doc,
I am a lady in my late fifties, I feel that I still have lots of good loving and sex to look forward to. Unfortunately, my other half is not always up to it. This is happening to him more frequently recently. I am contemplating buying/using a vibrator or dildo ( I don’t really know the difference) I am feeling rather shy and embarrassed by the whole prospect, plus I don’t want to be judged if I get up the nerve to go into a sex shop like Lovecraft.
Do you have any suggestions on how I might get my feet wet so to speak? Is it safe to order this kind of merchandise over the internet?? I would appreciate any advice or help that you can provide.
Signed, Fifty and Fit to be Tied (or anything else exciting…)
Dear Fifty and Fit,
First, I’m sorry to see you’re having to deal with these issues. But I am glad to see that your sexual energy or libido is still healthy and something that you want to explore further.
As for your questions, in fact, many people don’t know the difference between dildos and vibrators, and the confusion is not helped by inaccurate terms used in the media (including one of my favourite movies, Fight Club). Simply put, vibrators vibrate, dildos do not. Here are some links to many vibrators and dildos for your perusal.
Now, lots of research1 shows that many men and women continue to be sexual by themselves and/or with a partner well beyond their 50’s,2 and some people even keep going into their second century of life!3
When people begin to lose interest or pleasure when it comes to sex, the first thing I recommend is that they get a physical check-up to make sure there’s nothing going on physically/physiologically. With the introduction of Viagra in 1999, as well as a greater emphasis on lifestyle choices, more and more people are willing to discuss such issues and are realizing that healthier living and/or medication taken responsibly can help them continue to express and explore their sexuality well into their later years.4
Please check out The New Love and Sex After 60 and ripe fruit, as well as Great Sex Over 50 for Women: An Erotic Guide for Couples and Great Sex Over 50 for Men: An Erotic Guide for Couples, which you might find interesting and helpful. Of course, there are many other books and videos you might enjoy.
One problem is that some “younger†people have negative biases against individuals who remain sexually active as they get older. And this bias can unfortunately make its way to “older†people, who may feel guilt or other negative feelings for continuing to have sexual desires and/or engaging in sexual behaviours.5
I don’t know your own partner’s situation, Fifty and Fit, but related to that last point, psychological or emotional factors might be contributing to the change in his sexual attitudes and/or functioning. Another possibility is that something in the relationship might be contributing to the changes. As I’ve repeatedly stressed in other responses such as this one and this one, good communication is essential in any relationship.
In your case, you may want to begin your sexual exploration on your own first, and then try to get your partner involved, if you think he’s willing to try. Your concerns are very reasonable, so let’s look at each one.
First, I can’t vouch for any other stores, but I do know that Lovecraft has set and maintained the standard for professional, respectful, open, knowledgeable, kind, courteous, and helpful customer care for over 35 years as the leader in Canada’s sex/erotica/adult industry.
If you don’t want to go in person, you can check out Lovecraft’s online store. Again, Lovecraft has established itself as an ethical and trustworthy online business, but you’re taking your chances with any other online or in-person business, so you have to be careful, of course.
Whatever you decide, one great way to introduce a partner into a more creative sex life is through massages, as I describe in this previous post and this one. And here is a link to many massage oils and other creams/sprays/lotions to get you started.
Best of luck with everything, Fifty and Fit, and please feel free to write me with more questions, thoughts, and/or updates.
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Please send your questions to lovecraft72@gmail.com
1 American Association of Retired Persons. (1999) AARP Modern Maturity sexuality study. Washington, DC: AARP.
2 Libman, E. (1989). Sociocultural and cognitive factors in aging and sexual expression: Conceptual research issues. Canadian Psychology, 3, 560-567.
3 Bretschneider, J.G., & McCoy, N.L. (1988). Sexual interest and behavior in healthy 80- and 102-year-olds.Archives of Sexual Behavior, 17, 109-130.
4 Katz, S., & Marshall, B. (2003). New sex for old: Lifestyle, consumerism, and the ethics of aging well. Journal of Aging Studies, 17, 3-16.
5 Reiss, B.F. (1988). The long-lived person and sexuality. Dynamic Psychotherapy, 6, 79-86.
Topics: Sex Advice |
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