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Looking for Another Side to the Story…
By The Love Doc | September 23, 2007
Hey Doc,
A couple of years ago I was living in a house and there was a girl in the room next to mine. I really liked her but was never able to tell her because I was scared that it would become way too awkward to be living in the same house, same floor, if she didn’t feel the same way. I mean, I could say “Okay cool, we can remain friends,” but in reality I would be embarrassed and would never be able to chill with her. It simply wouldn’t be the same. Also I’ve always believed never to tell a girl straight that you ‘like her’ or disclose your true feelings ever, since pretty girls get hit on by guys all the time…and she would think, “there’s another loser….â€
Also, she had a girlfriend who was always hanging out with her and I thought they would gossip and laugh behind my back, if my housemate didn’t feel the same way about me. They thought I was a “nice guy” but I already know that nice guys don’t succeed in the dating world. I tried to drop a few hints sometimes, but she was never really able to catch them. We would often watch TV together and go out (but as a group only) for about six months. Then she found another guy and I was sooo devastated and heart broken.
Now I’m looking back at everything, how I just saw her and something happened, how I started liking her so much (one-sided liking and she didn’t even know about it), how each time I saw her I felt like she’s an angel, and how I used to react when I saw her (even though I talked normally to her, my heart would beat so fast!). So I’m wondering if everything I was feeling for her is called “True Love†or simply “Infatuationâ€?
Signed One-Sided Lover
Hey One-Sided Lover,
First of all, I’m sorry to see that you can count yourself among the huge and ever-growing ranks of victims of unrequited love. However, your letter contains certain points that suggest you have a few advantages of many people who do not act on their possibly one-sided liking, infatuation, or even love.
That is, many people fall back on the “our relationship is too important/special to risk losing if we ever broke up†excuse for why they don’t admit their feelings for someone. This is true in SOME cases, but for most people, they cannot admit that the real fear or concern that stops them from acting on their romantic feelings is the risk of being rejected and/or humiliated. This can be at the moment of truth or afterwards, if the person tells other people what happened.
The truth behind this situation can be seen if we realize that many of these people would jump at the chance if the other person took the initiative and said that they had special feelings for them. Of course, in this situation there is still the risk of losing the friendship when they broke up. Yet, many of these people would not hesitate to take the next step if the other person gave them a pretty clear “green light,†thus the real reason for not acting on their feelings is the fear of rejection and embarrassment/awkwardness that you are honest enough to recognize and admit to.
The second point to your advantage is that you are questioning whether your feelings reflect “true love†or, more likely, “infatuation.†If you can honestly look at the situation and appreciate it for what it is, you have a better chance of being able to use your feelings to guide you in future instances.
Although “love at first sight†probably does really happen in some cases, most of the time certain feelings upon meeting someone for the first time reflect mostly physical/sexual attraction. Of course, it depends on how you define “love†(check out “Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love†on the web; of all the theories I’ve seen, this one seems to best capture the different elements of “loving relationships†in a relatively simple manner that is easy to understand and apply to your own life). But if you think of love as involving a deep emotional and psychological connection—preferably with a certain amount of physical/sexual connectedness mixed in—then true “love at first sight†seems improbable, since all you’re really going on is their physical appearance and MAYBE some kind of “gut feeling.â€
Sure, “true love†may develop later, but at the very beginning you’re really dealing with mostly physical attraction and maybe a few hints of their character, or whatever they’re publicly projecting at the time; in some cases, they may be projecting something else they’re not aware of, or you might be picking up on something you’re not even aware of, which would be closer to the “gut feeling.†Malcolm Gladwell, of “The Tipping Point†fame, writes about this in his recent book, “Blink†(it also contains references to some actual studies that lend some support to the premises in his book).
In any event, looking at the situation realistically will help you avoid obsessing and ruminating over something that might not even be real. It can also help prevent you from beating up on yourself for not acting on your feelings. Think about it: You’re far less likely to punish yourself if you say, “I didn’t admit how I feel to this person, to whom I am physically/sexually attracted,†versus “How could I miss out on saying how I feel to my one true love…my soul mate?!â€
Also, if you’re realistic and honest about things, it can either keep the whole matter in perspective–“I didn’t say anything because it would be really awkward if she said “sorry, I don’t feel the same way,†and then I had to see her every day and pretend that nothing happened.†Or, it might actually motivate you to do what you’re afraid of doing: You might ask yourself, “Okay, what’s the WORST that could REALISTICALLY happen if I admit my feelings and she doesn’t share them? And what do I stand to gain if I take the chance and tell her how I feel?â€
The fact is, in ANY area of life, most people are inclined to think of all the reasons they CAN’T do something risky and difficult, rather than trying to focus on all the reasons they might be able to do it, and how they can take the necessary steps to achieve their goal. Part of the reason for this is that people start thinking too far ahead and then get overwhelmed by all the unknowns…all the ambiguity…all the risk that comes with not knowing what might happen in the future.
One of the ways to overcome this paralysis is to focus on only THE MOST IMMEDIATE step. Of course, this requires breaking the problem down into smaller, more manageable steps. This process in of itself often helps people feel less anxious because now they are thinking about the problem in specific, concrete terms, rather than some vague cloud of unknown risks and other anxiety-producing factors that are lurking in the shadows of uncertainty. And just like with horror movies, the thing we can’t see and all the anticipation related to it is usually far scarier than what is actually there.
Returning to what I said above, it’s also a matter of asking yourself “What’s the WORST that could REALISTICALLY happen if I did ____?†along with “How likely is it that this would really happen if I did ____?†and “What good things could I realistically expect if I DID do ____?â€
In situations such as yours, One-Sided Lover, if the person is as wonderful as you think, chances are that she WOULDN’T try to hurt or humiliate you, even if she said “sorry, I don’t feel that way.†Also, I know you said you dropped hints, but there are three possibilities to consider:
1) She DID get the hints but didn’t feel the same way about you, so she pretended not to hear or get them, which could be her own way of dropping hints to you in a way that allows you to “save face.†That is, technically you never asked her out, so she didn’t have to reject you. This happens far more often than people realize because many people are not that great at “reading†people, and/or they are distracted by their anxiety over speaking with the person and trying to subtly show them how they feel.
2) She really didn’t get the hints, which if they were pretty obvious would suggest she didn’t feel the same way about you, since otherwise she would likely be looking for signs that you liked her. In this case, you could be thankful that you got your answer without having to face possible embarrassment; or, you would have to decide whether you needed to be more direct in your communication with her, despite the risks involved (see below).
3) She might have potential feelings for you but, due to her own insecurities, has a hard time accepting that others like her, no matter how many guys might say she’s hot or give other signs they like her. You said that attractive women are used to hearing people flatter them all the time, and this is true for many people. However, the fact is that many people–regardless of what they look like or what kind of persona they try to present–are very insecure due to their early experiences, usually starting at home.
We have a tendency to assume that physically attractive people are more confident and have fewer troubles than the “average person.†Yes, research does suggest that physically attractive people DO enjoy certain benefits for most of their life that the “average person†will never know. But I can tell you very clearly that ANYONE can have a messed up family life and early experiences, regardless of how they look or appear. This is a bit of a digression but I think it’s worth stressing.
Now, returning to your situation, if you can truly look at the FACTS and your feelings honestly and accurately, you will be in a better position to reflect on and weight the risks and benefits of admitting your feelings (or whatever else you’re contemplating doing). You will then have a better chance of making the right decision on whether or not you should take action or possibly live with the regret of not knowing how things might have been.
Remember that I said many people who claim not to take action are fooling themselves into believing it’s “for the sake of the friendship.†The sad irony is that their inability to look at things honestly often hurts the relationship or the other person’s feelings far more than they can realize or admit.
That is, those who are afraid to act on their romantic feelings often harbour some resentment toward the other person for not sharing and, most importantly, not expressing the same feelings in return. Although some people might admit to this resentment, most try to repress, deny, and/or ignore it in order to maintain their “illusion†of being a wonderful person and even better friend. Unfortunately, repressed feelings-especially strong negative ones—always find expression in some form or another.
In these cases, the one-sided lover often takes their (unconscious or somewhat conscious) resentment and frustration out on their so-called friend without really knowing what they’re doing. They may make hurtful comments that they try to spin as “jokes,†or “telling you things honestly for your own good because I really care about you, and I can say them because we are such good friends†or some other RATIONALIZATION. This is never more true than when the other person expresses interest in another person or, god forbid, starts seeing someone else. Your apparent honesty about things, One-Sided Lover, may not have made things any less painful for you when the woman you liked found someone else, but it likely helped prevent you from saying and doing things that would have hurt her and/or the relationship.
On a final note, let’s return to the issue of being afraid to take risks in this and other types of situations. I’ve already mentioned a few techniques to help clarify things for yourself and to make the decision-making process less daunting and anxiety provoking. To elaborate on this, ask yourself, “What am I afraid will LIKELY happen if I do ___?†Once you have your answer, ask yourself, “If that really does happen, what am I afraid will LIKELY happen?â€
After you answer that, keep asking yourself the same question for each answer until either you realize that the outcome is not really that bad and so you might as well give it a shot, or you decide that the risks far outweigh any possible benefits. When doing this exercise, you will probably need to ask yourself, “What is the REALISTIC probability that ___ will REALLY happen?â€
For instance, if you’re debating discussing a bad grade on an assignment with your professor, you might come up with “I’ll get kicked out of university for questioning the grade†as a possible outcome. This is certainly a good reason NOT to discuss the grade. But is this a realistic outcome? How many people do you know who actually got kicked out of university for discussing a grade (assuming they didn’t threaten the professor with physical violence or worse)?
There are several books one can get which contain other techniques to help you in these kinds of situations, and which help you to think more REALISTICALLY. One of them is “The Feeling Good Book†by David Byrne (many of my patients with anxiety have bought it, but I know no one who has actually finished it; but it does have some really helpful information and teaches you how to think more adaptively). Another is “Mind Over Mood†by Greenberger and Padesky (some people find it too dry and/or time consuming, but if you put the effort into doing the exercises, they really can help and they eventually become much easier to do, preferably to the point that you automatically begin to use more adaptive ways of questioning and thinking about things).
You can also check out any small bookstores in your city that specialize in selling these kinds of books to see what they recommend (I doubt most people working at Indigo or Chapters would be able to offer the same kind of assistance, unless these megastores now have their employees extensively read up on the books in their specific section). In Toronto, Caversham near Spadina and Harbord is the place to go.
So, One-Sided Lover, I hope I’ve given you some things to reflect on for future opportunities that I am sure will present themselves. Or, better yet, future opportunities that you help ensure come to fruition.
———————————
Please send your questions to lovecraft72@gmail.com
Topics: Sex Advice |
September 23rd, 2007 at 6:16 pm
[…] Here is a letter from a reader of my blog on the Lovecraft Site. As always, I will not reproduce it here because it messes things up apparently. However, I would love to hear people’s thoughts on the issue and my response, so please feel free to comment here. If you would like to say something directly to One-Sided Lover, please do so on the Lovecraft site, though he did say he reads this blog too. You can leave a comment, or trackback from your own site. RSS 2.0 […]
September 24th, 2007 at 7:53 pm
Dear One-Sided Lover,
Thank you for this lovely posting. Upon reading this posting I became very nostalgic. I suppose having an unrequited love is something many can relate to.
I agree with all of the points that the Doc made for the most part however, I would like to add that I am a big fan of “carpe diem” (cease the day). Hopefully this experience has taught you something. The next time you feel that way for someone don’t be afraid to lay it all on the line. We can only get what we are willing to give…remember that. Anyhow, I have written a short poem on Doc Amitay’s sight that reflects my unrequited love feelings which I am sure you will see since you visit his site as well. Take care and good luck with everything.
September 24th, 2007 at 8:45 pm
One thing I forgot to address was One-Sided Lover’s belief that he should “never tell a girl straight that you ‘like her’ or disclose your true feelings ever, since pretty girls get hit on by guys all the time…and she would think, “there’s another loser….–
I alluded to it in discussing the fact that ANYONE can have a messed up background, but I was going to expand on this “rules-based” approach. I will do so in a future post, time permitting, either here or at www.docamitay.com.
September 24th, 2007 at 9:25 pm
I know that perhaps the Doc was going to comment on the following statement but I guess I beat him to the punch. Please refer to the Doc’s site to see my comment on One-Sided Lover’s comment in which he stated: “Also I’ve always believed never to tell a girl straight that you ‘like her’ or disclose your true feelings ever, since pretty girls get hit on by guys all the time…and she would think, “there’s another loser….â€
September 26th, 2007 at 4:08 pm
With respect to my first comment. I realised that I made a small typo. Carpe diem means “seize the day” not “cease the day” as I had accidentally written.