« Ch-ch-ch-changes… | Main | Looking for Another Side to the Story… »
The One Finger Salute?
By The Love Doc | September 14, 2007
Hey Doc,
I have been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year now. He is very affectionate, always telling me he loves me, and I am 100% secure in our love for each other. However, I have recently been thinking about how much I feel the need for him to show me how much he cares in a more material sense….ahem, I mean jewelry. I have never thought of myself as a materialistic person, and I truly am not. I have just been feeling like I deserve something to keep on my finger just as a reminder of how much he loves me.
He doesn’t make a lot of money, he is in school and currently interns for free. However, he does have money. But unlike me, he doesn’t prioritize his spending well. Which means I give really great, thoughtful and expensive gifts for all those special occasions that couples encounter during the course of a year, while he is…cheap. I could understand if he had no money, but he does, and spends it on fast food and impulse purchases that he really doesn’t need. This is what gets me and slightly hurts my feelings. I feel that he should want to give me something great, and therefore would save up for certain occasions instead of trying to do things for free and then spending what money he has on other useless things. So for our one-year anniversary of the relationship both of us agree is the best one we have ever been in, I want a small ring, nothing extravagant, not an engagement ring or even a “promise ring”, just something to hold on that finger to prove to myself every day that I do mean a lot to him.
He also has the tendency to get quite frustrated when other men hit on me or look at me for too long. And he knows that when I go out with my girlfriends I am constantly approached. So I would love to have a ring on that special finger to prove that I am taken, both for his own comfort and so I wouldn’t have to bother with annoying men as much. I know that many men disregard this, but it has to cut it down at least a little.
He has never spent a lot of money on me for anything, and I really feel like he needs to redeem himself. This one time and then not for a while, I can’t expect too much from him, obviously. My main issue is that I don’t think he will go through with this unless I tell him I want this, or someone does…I really have no idea how I would do this. I don’t want to say “baby, I want a ring.” I feel that he would be offended by that, or perhaps freaked out. And I don’t him to buy me a ring because I told him to. I want him to buy me one because he wanted to. Even a necklace or a bracelet would be satisfying. I want something that clearly states that he sacrificed eating out and buying selfish impulsive items for a while to save up for something that I would love.
So I guess the question is…how do I go about somehow receiving this ring on our anniversary?
Signed, Troubled lonely finger.
Hey Troubled lonely finger,
First, I’m sorry to see that you’re not having certain expectations met with your boyfriend, some of which do not bode well for future planning (I’ll get to those below). As for your question, the first thing I would suggest is that you read this recent response to Plus ca change, plus c’est things suck.
Much of what I wrote can apply to your situation as well, which is why I provided such a long answer: to use it as a reference for many of the different issues people experience in their relationships.
The next essential point–and this applies to most people in relationships and virtually any other circumstance—is that you need to try to be completely honest about your needs and motives, as well as the probability of certain things happening; and try to separate and distinguish among these different needs and motives. In your case, you say one purpose of the ring is to cut down on men hitting on you. But later you say that even a necklace or bracelet from him would suffice. Unless those pieces of jewelry read: “BACK OFF, I’M TAKEN,†they would not serve that supposed purpose of keeping annoying men from hitting on you.
Now, you may use that line on your boyfriend to try to motivate him to buy the ring, but try to be clear with yourself about how important the “annoying man repellant†factor of the ring is. You already know it will not stop most men in your age range (late teens to early- to mid- or even late-20’s), many of whom either don’t care about such things or have come to realize that many women use rings for such purposes, regardless of their relationship status (you can thank your many sisters who blow their “I-have-a-ring-so-it-means-I’m-taken†act every night, for that). So a reduction of maybe 5 or 10% of men hitting on you really is not going to make much difference for you. Besides, that reduction will be compensated for by the even more annoying response of many men who will act like super idiots once they see the ring.
That is, you can expect many men to see the ring as a “challenge†that inspires them to try even harder to talk with you (and to progress further). Some will say nothing about your supposed status, others will assume the aforementioned “super idiot†role and say things like “So where is your fiancé? If my girl was as hot as you, there’s no way I’d let her out alone…guess he doesn’t care about you,†or “You have a guy? So what? He’s not here, is he?†or “If you were really engaged, why are you out here with all these men around?†or other similar crap. And I’m sure you’ve seen the tone and attitude with which these things are said: it’s often very arrogant, rude, disrespectful and insulting, especially once he realizes that things aren’t going anywhere.
So let’s put aside that supposed motive for getting a ring, at least for you. Like I said, if you want to try to convince your boyfriend that it will serve any such purpose, go ahead. Maybe he’ll buy it (the rationale, if not the ring).
I also mentioned being honest about probabilities. Based on what you’ve said, it doesn’t seem very likely that your boyfriend will suddenly surprise you with a ring on your anniversary. As mentioned in my previous response to Plus ca change, (point 4)), being able to predict/expect things accurately is very important to your well-being. So, as unromantic as it may seem, it’s usually healthier to look at your relationship honestly, rather than to “fantasize†about things that you hope will happen but will probably never come to pass.
So where does that leave you regarding a ring or other form of (expensive) jewelry?
Another important point is not to impose your own way of doing things and expectations on others. What I mean is, if you’re the type of person who enjoys doing things like buying expensive presents for others, that’s great. It would also be nice if they would reciprocate, of course. But if they don’t, you can’t really resent them for it. All you can do is say “lesson learned†and realize that they may not be the type of person to do such things; or maybe they are but don’t feel inclined to do so for you; or maybe they are but haven’t felt that circumstances so far have warranted their reciprocation (whether this is objectively true or not); etc etc.
The point is, once you realize that someone most likely not do things they way you expect or want them to do, YOU have the CHOICE whether to keep or stop doing things a certain way for or with them. Of course, many people will give others several chances before making such a decision, and this seems like a reasonable thing to do. But once you’ve got pretty clear indications of how certain people are with respect to various issues, it’s not helpful for you to keep doing things that will (eventually) frustrate or anger you. So either stop doing those things that anger or frustrate you, or do them with the understanding that the other person will not reciprocate.
Either way, the point is to have realistic expectations of the other person and then to choose whether you can accept these things about the other person or whether these things are so “terrible†that it’s not worth your health to remain with them.
Conversely, HOPING (or “fantasizingâ€) that the person will all of a sudden drastically change is not realistic and not healthy for you.
But it is also important to realize that I am saying this with the assumption that you have already clearly and effectively communicated your thoughts, concerns, or needs with the other person as I stressed so many times to Plus ca change, and have come to realize that the person cannot or will not do things as you want.
Now, Troubled lonely finger, you also mentioned your boyfriend’s feelings about your being hit on by other men. From your letter I can’t tell how this all goes down, so I can’t say much about that. But these kinds of things are often clear warning signs of trouble. Again, I don’t know how you or he acts and reacts in these situations, so I will refrain from comment. But everything I’ve said here and in my response to Plus ca change about being trying to be honest about yourself, your motives, your partner, your relationship, etc. applies here as well.
The final point has to do with money: Again, keeping in mind everything I’ve said above (and keeping in mind that I know very little about your relationship), this may be the biggest issue. That is, if you envision any kind of future with your boyfriend, his apparent irresponsibility and inability to “prioritize†his spending will be a source of great tension for you two, especially considering how different he is from you in this respect.
I can see why you would feel resentful, knowing that he pisses away what little money he gets on useless things, while not ever thinking to save up and buy YOU something nice once in a while. What does that say about his feelings for you? How much of a priority he places on you and the relationship, regardless of what he CLAIMS?
Then again, maybe that’s just the way he is with money and he really does love you more than life itself. If that’s the case, once again I suggest you read my response to Plus ca change and then use as much honesty as possible in trying to see if you can a) determine how much of this issue is YOUR problem and how much is HIS problem, b) effectively express to him how important certain things are to you, and/or c) tolerate the differences in how you two deal with money and expressions of “love.â€
I will finish off by repeating two things I said to Plus ca change: 1) Although it may seem as if I’m putting most of the onus/responsibility on you, Troubled lonely finger,, this is not the case. I would expect just as much effort from your boyfriend. But since you’re the one who wrote, I’m directing this to you. Because the fact is, as much as we may want our partner to change, much of the change has to come from ourselves, not the other person. This is because people rarely change in major ways just because someone else asks or tells them to. Knowing that, you need to make some important realizations, decisions and actions, one of which is trying to determine how important and tolerable certain “faults” in the other person are, since these are unlikely to change if they are a major part of that person’s character.
2) I hope this has given you some things to reflect on, Troubled lonely finger. If anything I’ve written inspires you to think about certain things that you think would be worth sharing, please feel free to do so and I can share some more thoughts on your circumstances. In the meantime, you’ve got your work cut out for you and I hope you will be able to deal with these issues in a manner that is most healthy and adaptive for you and your relationship.
———————————
Please send your questions to lovecraft72@gmail.com
Topics: Sex Advice |
September 14th, 2007 at 8:56 pm
Firstly, I’d like to thank you for the great advice. After thinking over what you have said and my own feelings. I have decided to cool off for a bit and just see what happens.
I think I have put too much energy into the idea of what this “ring” means to me and I needed to bring myself back to reality. No he doesn’t spend money on me, but he is also not one of those gift-giving people like I am. And maybe he will do something really fabulous for our anniversary, I shouldn’t be expecting the worst from him. He hasn’t had a reason to pamper me like an anniversary (birthday,other occasion,etc.) in a while. Which I guess would bring up the question of whether or not he needs a reason?
What it comes down to is that I know that he doesn’t place any emotional emphasis on gifts or material objects and that he does truly love me. I do accept this and I will get used to it, who knows what he has planned for our big day. Besides its only a year, if I havent seen a ring in 3 more, I’m sure you’ll be recieving another letter!
on a side note: of course I still want a ring, what girl doesn’t. If I don’t recieve one I won’t be disappointed as Im sure he will put a lot of thought in whatever he will do for our day.
September 15th, 2007 at 1:39 pm
Well, Troubled lonely finger, unfortunately, unless he really wants to and takes it on himself to give you a ring or make a thoughtful gesture to show you he cares, there is really not much you can do. As you said, if you ask him, he could resent you. In the best case scenario, he would give you the ring you want, but that would not feel great because it would be like an imposition.
I have a very good friend who has been in the same situation. While she was dating him, it seemed that she was the only one making an effort. After 3 or 4 years dating, she told him straight out that she wanted a ring. At that point, she wanted a sign of commitment on his part that he was really into the relationship. She was in her thirties, she wanted to have children, and her clock was ticking… Anyway, everytime, it always ended in a big argument. He always found a reason to postpone any commitment, such as I have to finish my masters, I want to make sure that I have a stable job… Every special occasion ended in drama because every time she was disappointed. Every Christmas, every birthday, or Valentine’s day, she was hoping he would finally pop the question and give her a ring, only to be disappointed in the end. And she was really hurt because he knew how she felt, yet he did nothing to reassure her. One summer, they planned a weekend getaway, and he took care of everything. They went to a winery, had a tour there, stayed in a hotel… At one point, they went for a picnic. He had everything organized:little basket,champagne… As she told me later, she thought, my gosh, he’s actually going to ask me now”. But you know what, he didn’t. By the time they went back to the hotel, they had a huge fight. She was so hurt because he knew how she felt, and he was completely oblivious to her feelings. To him, it was just spending time away, just enjoying the moment. At that point, she felt that he had no intention whatsoever of marrying her.
Now, they just got married this past summer (after 7 years together), and she’s happy… for now. As much as I want to be happy for both of them (because it turns out he’s my brother in law), I am sceptical about how long they will stay married. And I told her so many times: “I really want to see you happy, but if he asks you to marry him, I will be horrified”.
It’s hard enough to work at making a marriage last, when you start with so much resentment, I have the feelings that it will all come out at some point. (But I could be wrong).
Anyway, I thought I would share that story. It is a little different for you, because as I understand it, you just want him to show you that he cares. But are you considering spending your life with him? As Oren said, you really have to question what you can take and what can make you happy. You won’t change who he is. Another thing you should keep in mind, I think, is that the insignificant things that you choose to ignore now because it’s easier, may turn out to REALLY bug you ten or twenty years from now. So, you really have to be honest with yourself in deciding what you want in an partner, and what is important.
Myself, I’ve never been in that particular situation. I was actually surprised (and happy) when my husband proposed to me, so it was never an issue. I was enjoying dating, but I was also ready to make the commitment at that time.
I don’t believe you need a ring. There could be so many other ways your boyfriend could show you he cares. And, as Oren said here and in other blogs, communication is the key. You do have to tell him him how you feel. And money doesn’t have to be involved. I know I can appreciate more if he takes the time to plan a special evening at home, cooks dinner for me… rather than buying me something.
As for keeping men away, well, why don’t you buy yourself a ring? They don’t have to know where it comes from, and that would work just the same. And if that doesn’t work, tell them about “your kids”. Even if you don’t have any, they won’t know. And trust me, it works!!
Good luck!