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Ch-ch-ch-changes…
By The Love Doc | September 13, 2007
Hey Doc,
I appreciate that you don’t “beat around the bush” in your responses to people’s questions. You tell it how it is. Its very insightful and much of the advice I can apply to my own life.
As many of the other readers, I have a problem in my relationship with my boyfriend. Or I think there is a problem, I’m not sure if he feels the same way. We’ve been dating for about a year now and 95% of the time I’m very happy with him. However, that 5% of the time, things just seem not to work out. We are both very different individuals, but at the same time-share many similarities. He’s grown to resent his family for things they’ve done to him and each other. He sometimes “blows up†quickly on even the members he sort of gets along with and doesn’t speak with others, even though he lives with them. As a result, he’s grown to tend to his own emotions and rely solely on himself.
Now the problem I face is that I feel that I put a lot more into our relationship than he does. I always call him or send him cute text messages remind him how much I care about him. I always keep him informed of what I’m doing so he never has to wonder where I am, whom I’m with and what I am doing. I just think this is considerate and respectful. But I feel he doesn’t do the same to me and this is very important to me as I feel these small things are what truly show how much one cares for the other.
Since we started dating he’s always said I’m the most important thing to him and that because of me he doesn’t need any of his other friends because I am his best friend. As a result I’ve slowly cut off many of my friends whom I was very close with and went to for emotional support (as I myself do not have a close relationship with my family). For the past 10 months we’ve hung out together ALMOST every single day, he’s given me the key to his house and introduced me to his family he hadn’t seen in years (He says he finally visited them only because he was proud to have such a great girlfriend he can introduce to his family).
Lately, he’s met some new friends and now he’s begun to hang out with them every so often. Now this affects me and I feel jealous because for the past 9 months he’s never gone out with his friends unless I was unable to be there with him, otherwise I’d always be the first on his list. Part of me feels that he doesn’t care about me as much, or that he’s getting sick of always being with me. But the other part of me thinks it’s because these new friends of his are better than his previous friends. All his old friends used to want to do is drugs, so I’m thinking that now he’s made new friends which he can relate to and therefore actually want to be around. I’m just really confused about what is going on. I feel like I’ve dropped everything for him and do everything for him. He says he does so much for me but I don’t feel that way. I’m the type of person that appreciates the small things in life. For example I’d rather have him write me a letter about how much I mean to him rather than buy jewelry or spend money on me. The letter would have SOOO much more meaning to me.
At the beginning of our relationship he used to remind me how much he loves me all the time and how happy he is to be with me. Now the only time he says that to me is when we get into an argument and we actually have a good conversation. I know he tells other people how much he loves me because I’ve had people come up to me and say “wow what did you do to your boyfriend he’s crazy in love with youâ€.
I’ve tried to talk to other people about my issue but everyone gives me their own advice and everyone’s advice just seems to conflict and its just giving me one big headache!
Signed, Plus ca change, plus c’est things suck
Hey plus ca change,
First, I’m sorry to see that you’re experiencing this confusion and distress in your relationship. Your letter raises many important issues:
1) Two major elements of couple’s therapy, or two ways in which approaches to this type of therapy differ, is that some therapists focus on the “here and now†of the relationship; sometimes it’s “simply†a matter of teaching more effective communication techniques (something I’ve referred to often on this site and www.docamitay.com), other times it may involve helping clients see beneath the surface problems and recognizing what’s really going on in the relationship.
This latter technique is often closer to the other element/approach/philosophy of couple’s therapy, which is that each person should focus on his or her OWN issues—usually stemming from their childhood and subsequent relationships with significant others—rather than the other person’s problems. Once you can really work out your OWN issues, you will relate much better to others, be it the current partner or anyone else you may end up with.
Of course, there are more elements and approaches to couple’s therapy, but these are two that I think are relevant to your situation, plus ca change (and they are not mutually exclusive; that is, even if each client focuses on his or her own issues, learning effective communication is always desirable).
2) Building on 1), I don’t know if or how you’ve conveyed to your boyfriend the ways that you want him to express his love for you. The fact is, people often differ in how they express their love, commitment, appreciation, etc., and some people are okay with that, as long as they truly feel the other person does really feel those things. Many times one person just assumes the other person “should†express themselves this or that way, even if that’s not part of their natural way of doing such things.
If you don’t let the other person know EXACTLY HOW you want/need them to convey their feelings, you can’t expect them to do so in the manner you want. But even if you do tell them, many times they will not be able to comply with your wishes because that just might not be the way they function. They may be able to do some occasionally, or regularly in the short-run, but often it’s very hard to consistently and permanently change how one functions in this respect. Why is that? Again, it goes back to what I said in 1) about dealing with one’s past issues.
At the same time, if you can’t accept your partner’s method of expressing love etc.—assuming that “the average person†would agree that the partner truly IS demonstrating love etc., even if it’s not to your liking—you have to go back to your OWN past issues to try to understand why YOU can’t accept your partner’s way of doing things. Similarly, what YOU think is “unacceptable,†“inexcusable†or “intolerable†behaviour by your partner might be something most people think is very minor or entirely reasonable and understandable.
This is where many people have troubles: It’s much easier to look at THE OTHER PERSON’S “faults†than their own. This is an issue I’ve dealt with my own blog several times and is something I can’t explore fully here, since this response will already be extremely long.
So, I’ll focus more on the other relevant issue here, which is that many people have problems in their relationship because they think that THEIR way of expressing themselves (or doing whatever) is the “right†or “good†way and can’t understand why the other person doesn’t get it and can’t do it their way.
For instance, say you’re the kind of person who needs your partner to say “I love you†every day. I think most people would agree that this is a pretty easy thing to do, even if it may seem like “overkill†to some, or may seem to “cheapen†the message when said repeatedly, since it can seem like a simple greeting or some other automated task. So, I can understand why you might feel upset if your partner couldn’t do such a simple task.
However, what does getting upset do? Does it help the situation? No. Does it make you feel better? No. Will it make your partner more likely to love you? No. Will it make your partner more likely to do what you want? Maybe no, maybe yes; if yes, the partner will likely also resent you, which eventually leads to more problems down the road.
3) So how do you reduce your chances of getting upset? As I’ve stressed many times, EMPATHY—which means trying to see things from the other person’s perspective—is the key here. Instead of getting upset at your partner for not being able to see things your way, try to empathize and see if you could do things the way your partner would prefer, even if you think it’s ridiculous.
Returning to the previous example, suppose your partner believes that people show their love through staying out of each other’s way most of the time. For someone who needs the other person to say “I love you†every day, this kind of demonstration of love would seem silly and very difficult to do. But they should try to see if they could do it for a long time. When you see how hard it is to do something the way your partner wants or expects, you can begin to appreciate how hard it is for them to do what YOU want or expect them to do, even if you believe YOUR way is the “better†way.
That’s a step toward empathy.
4) Perhaps the most important thing to keep in mind is something I tell all of my clients and students, especially those who think “Why should I be the one who does this or that,†or “Why can’t I get upset when my partner does something wrong?!â€
The fact is, all of this is designed to help YOU. Sure, it’s nice to think of others and some people think it’s virtuous to “sacrifice†yourself for their wellbeing. Regardless of what you think about such statements, the fact is that you can’t really be good to others—at least not for very long—if you are not good to yourself. And one of the best ways to be good to yourself is to stay psychologically, emotionally, and physically healthy.
Taking another person’s perspective, even if you personally disagree with it, is supposed to help you better understand what they are doing and why they are doing it. Many times the reasons for people’s actions are not nearly as “bad†as you assume; many times it has little or nothing to do with you—e.g., they are not intentionally trying to hurt or anger you, but instead “can’t help†but act a certain way because of their own issues. And when you realize this, it is supposed to help you get less upset, angry, hurt, resentful, etc., since many of these feelings are natural reactions to being (intentionally) WRONGED by someone; taking the other person’s perspective often helps you see that this is not actually the case. And reducing strong, negative feelings is one of the best ways to stay healthy on all fronts.
Another reason taking another person’s perspective helps YOU is that it helps you know what to expect in various situations: it gives you a stronger sense of PREDICTABILITY and reduces your chances of being “caught off guard†by the other person’s actions. And all of this increases your sense of CONTROL over yourself and your environment, which is one of the most important factors in staying mentally, emotionally, and physiologically healthy.
5) What if you take the other person’s perspective and/or try to determine what “the average person†would think about things, and come to the conclusion that the other person is, in fact, intentionally hurting you or is truly doing things the a “bad†or “wrong†way? Perhaps the most obvious example of this is someone who is physically abusive (I use this example because most “normal†people in North America would agree that this is unacceptable behaviour, whereas many other examples could be debated). I am in no way suggesting that anyone tolerate what most people would consider unacceptable behaviour. I will discuss this important point more at the end of this long response.
6) For now, let’s return to (and stop me if you’ve heard this before) trying to respond internally in a healthy manner and using effective communication to deal with a partner who is not intentionally trying to hurt you. In many cases, the partner might truly think their manner of conveying “love†or other feelings is “good,†when in fact it is objectively not, according to “the average person†(e.g., taking out the garbage once every 50 times probably doesn’t count as a romantic or selfless gesture).
In addition to remembering what I said in points 2) – 4) above, you have to keep in mind that YOU have a CHOICE in how you deal with such a situation, even though making the “right†choice is often very difficult because of your own past issues. To highlight this essential issue, I’m going to raise another key point. What I say in the following example can also be applied to the preceding example of a partner who doesn’t quite get that their manner of conveying “love†and other feelings is not so great.
7) What I’m talking about here is that, despite what I said above about how difficult it is to change your way of functioning, the fact is that often small gestures can make a huge difference.
For instance, your desire for your boyfriend to write a letter expressing his love is very reasonable. If you explain to him how important this is to you, in a way that does not make him feel defensive, incompetent, or whatever—this is where the effective communication comes in—there’s no reason he can’t do this occasionally.
But if he does it a few times and then stops, many people in your situation would begin to get resentful and wonder why he can’t do such a simple thing. Then they might either sulk or fume in silence while imagining all sorts of terrible things about themselves and/or their partner, or “attack†their partner for “obviously†not being able to show his love in such a simple way. As I’m sure you can see, none of these reactions is healthy and none will lead to an improvement in the relationship.
The healthier/more adaptive response would be a) to focus on the positive: to appreciate that the partner DID do what you asked, at least once (or more); he DID make an effort (if he really did, since writing, e.g., “I luv u†probably wouldn’t really count); b) to recognize that change does not come easily…it takes a LONG time and requires a LOT of continued effort; c) to realize that what may mean so much to you may mean very little to your partner, and thus it’s not realistic to expect them to be nearly as motivated to do it (if at all) as you would be, and that this does not mean they’re a bad person in any way…they have a different past from yours and thus different things have different meanings for each of you; d) to thank the partner for what they have done and then to remind them—using effective communication—of how important the gesture is to you; and e) to expect that you will need to repeat this process a number of times.
8 ) If you’ve done all of these things and your partner still fails to comply with reasonable or somewhat reasonable requests to demonstrate their feelings in a way that is meaningful/important to you, you need to ask yourself some difficult questions.
Namely, what does this failure really say about your partner, your relationship, and you? How important are these demonstrations of love or unequal investment in the relationship or whatever else might be a source of confusion, distress, and other negative feelings to you? Are you able to stay with this person despite their inability to demonstrate their love, contribute more to the relationship, etc? All things considered, is your partner’s failure in this matter limited to only this area, or is it a reflection of a deeper, more widespread and serious issue with them and/or the relationship? Depending on your answer to these and other similar questions, does it make sense to be with your partner?
Unfortunately, many people logically know the answer to most of these questions, but relatively few people act logically regarding these answers. Once again, the reason for this usually stems from one’s past issues and relationships, usually reaching back to childhood. But even this awareness is not usually sufficient to motivate someone to act in the healthiest/most adaptive manner.
That is, logic is usually trumped by emotions, as well as beliefs, rules, assumptions, unmet needs, and other “baggage†we’ve been unconsciously carrying around with us since childhood. That is why so many of us tend to display “irrational†thoughts, feelings, and actions much of the time, even if we don’t see them as such.
And everything I’ve written in this section applies even more so to people who are in abusive relationships. Unfortunately, such individuals often have such a long history of abuse—typically beginning in early childhood—that it is usually far more difficult for them to remove themselves from their unhealthy relationship. This is an issue that is far beyond the scope of this blog.
9) Much of what I’ve written about looking at yourself and your past honestly also applies to what you wrote about the very close, almost exclusive relationship you two had when it came to socializing. While it’s healthy to reduce or eliminate your association with people who may drag you down, keep you down, or otherwise “do you harm,†you two seemed to take this to an extreme.
In cases like yours, it’s common for one or both partners to eventually find one or more people to “bond†with. When that happens, the other person often feels like you’re feeling. I’m sure all sorts of concerns are running through your mind, some of which may be “rational†or warranted, others of which might be less so. At the risk of being labeled a broken record, I can’t stress enough the importance of communicating these concerns in a healthy, effective and productive manner. Otherwise, you have no idea which concerns are “rational†or not.
And what is OBJECTIVELY TRUE is irrelevant; what you FEEL or BELIEVE about these things will dictate how you act and react, which will have an effect on you, your boyfriend, and your relationship. Therefore, keeping in mind what I’ve written above, discussing these issues with him is essential.
10) The new friends, your boyfriend’s change in how often he tells you he loves you, and other changes in your relationship are to be expected in any relationship. Too many people get caught off guard when things change, either for short periods or more permanently. This is a natural part of the “growing process†of a relationship and, as you can probably guess, needs to be addressed with healthy communication. As mentioned earlier, this means not making the other person feel defensive; stating how you feel about things, with the recognition that your feelings may not necessarily correspond to “objective realityâ€; not “playing dirtyâ€; not getting sidetracked with minor, irrelevant details; really listening to what the other person has to say and making sure the other person listens to what you say; avoiding saying hurtful things, even if they are “accurateâ€; focusing on YOU as opposed to THEM; expressing your needs rather than saying how much the other person is failing to do this or that; etc, etc…
11) Your experiences with your friends highlights my points about EMPATHY. When it comes to serious issues, “advice†from friends is usually not very helpful for a few reasons: first, they will often see things from their own perspective; they filter your stories through their own lenses of personal experiences, which may be quite different from your own. Second, they will often tell you things you already know, regardless of how insightful and original they think they are being. You may even think you’re hearing something new, but most times it’s not. You may even believe at the time that you will follow their advice, but most times you will not (on serious issues). That is why you didn’t do the very same thing they’re suggesting to you when you thought of it yourself. Why is this?
Well, most people are afraid of big change. It’s anxiety provoking. As mentioned above at the end of point 4), having a sense of predictability and control is a huge component to staying healthy on several levels. Making big changes usually robs us (temporarily) of this sense of security and control. When it comes to relationships, many people are afraid that if they leave their partner, they’ll never find anyone else again, even when there’s lots of past and current evidence against such catastrophic fears. Generally speaking, many people would rather remain in a crummy relationship or other situation that they are used to, rather than risk the scary unknown that comes with making significant changes.
There are many other factors that lead people to remain in relationships or other circumstances that they know on some level is not healthy for them. This is why so many people RATIONALIZE their motives and actions; in other words, they make up excuses for things that they (and usually no one else) do or don’t do, since it reduces their anxiety and prevents them from having to make those dreaded terrifying changes.
Such unconscious defence mechanisms may benefit them in the short-run, but in the long run they are self-defeating because the person does not learn more healthy/adaptive ways of looking at and dealing with issues. When that happens, they are doomed to keep repeating the same problems over and over.
12) Although it may seem as if I’m putting most of the onus/responsibility on you, plus ca change, this is not the case. I would expect just as much effort from your boyfriend. But since you’re the one who wrote, I’m directing this to you. Because the fact is, as much as we may want our partner to change, much of the change has to come from ourselves, not the other person. This is because people rarely change in major ways just because someone else asks or tells them to. Knowing that, you need to make some important realizations, decisions and actions, one of which is trying to determine how important and tolerable certain “faults” in the other person are, since these are unlikely to change if they are a major part of that person’s character.
We should try to express our needs as well as possible, but once we’ve done that, it’s mostly up to the other person to decide if they want to change. At the same time, we need to look at our own role in relationship issues before, during, and after any changes our partner might make. And if our partner is unable or unwilling to make any “reasonable” changes or compromises–assuming that WE are willing to make such changes/compromises ourselves–then it’s time to reflect on those very difficult questions from point 8 ) above.
So, plus ca change, I hope this has given you some things to reflect on. Please also understand that I really don’t have that much to go on regarding your situation, even though you did provide a fair bit of information (for instance, I don’t even know how old you two are). If anything I’ve written inspires you to think about certain things that you think would be worth sharing, please feel free to do so and I can share some more thoughts on your circumstances. In the meantime, I wish you lots of strength, perseverance, and tact in dealing with the issues you’ve raised.
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Topics: Sex Advice |
September 13th, 2007 at 11:02 pm
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