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Depressing Sex Life…
By The Love Doc | September 4, 2007
Hey Doc,
I’m a 33 yr. old woman in a relationship with a 36 yr. old man for almost 2 years. In the beginning, we were the typical frisky couple and had a great sex life, although I definitely had a higher sex drive than he did (we’d have sex maybe 2-3 times a week and I’d prefer 7 days a week ideally). We broke up a couple of times because I’d get jealous of his online female “friends” (we met on an online dating service). But since we’ve gotten together last November we’ve had sex once–it has now been almost 10 months without any kind of sex whatsoever!!!! He tells me he loves me, kisses me, loves to snuggle and cuddle and often does pseudo-sexual things like pinch my butt, caress me down there in public…but no sex whatsoever!!!! I’ve tried talking to him about it, but when he does explain it, he says it’s because he’s depressed (he was laid off from his job and had been looking for work for over 9 months, and just recently started working again) and that his main priority was looking for work and nothing else. He was on anti-depressants for a while but hasn’t been on them for months now. He knows how I feel, and he knows he’s neglecting me, but even though I know there’s an attraction there, he just doesn’t seem to have the interest or energy to have sex with me.
I feel like I’m going crazy, not only because we haven’t had sex in so long, but because he admitted to me that this has never happened to him before in a relationship. I know I’m very attractive because I do get attention from other men, and he tells me he thinks I’m beautiful, but I still feel like there must be something wrong with me for him not to want me sexually. He tells me to be patient and that “it’ll happen, ” but I feel like I can’t wait any longer! I’ve asked him if he has Erectile Dysfunction but he laughs it off, or gets very upset with me. I know he’s turned on by leather and latex gear, and I’m a little bit on the goody-goody side to really feel comfortable wearing those things–but at this point I’ll try anything! Do you think I should try to surprise him with a sexy getup and see where that leads? I don’t know what else to do and my self-esteem has been hit really hard by his lack of attention in this department.
Signed, Desperately Seeking Satisfaction
Hey Desperately Seeking Satisfaction,
First, I’m sorry to see that your partner is not doing so well and that his condition is having a negative impact on you, your self-esteem, and the relationship. Your letter brings up some important issues, including something that affects many couples at some point in their relationship: unequal sex drives. This seemed to be present before your partner’s depression and I don’t know if you ever told him clearly about your desire for more sex. As I’ve said in other posts, communication really is the key to dealing with almost all relationship issues, as clichéd as that may seem. We’ll return to these points soon.
Next, let me reassure you that one of the first things to go for people suffering from moderate to severe depression is their libido or sex drive. And many anti-depressants are known to reduce one’s sex drive. So it is very possible that this all has nothing to do with you.
On the other hand, even if there is some biological and/or medical cause for his recent lack of interest in you sexually, it’s possible that some psychological factor is at play as well. Could his lack of sexual attention be partially related to some form of resentment or hostility over other issues in your relationship? Knowing nearly nothing about you and your relationship, I don’t know how the break-ups over his online female “friends†went down; if you’ve held that over his head; if he feels he’s entitled to such “friends,†either platonically or sexually; if he feels insecure over the fact that he’s been out of work for quite a while, whereas you may have been working and perhaps making more money than he is (even when he is employed); if he felt pressured by you to get a job, despite his depression; if he’s felt pressured to have sex; etc, etc.
Please understand that I’m not trying to put all of the responsibility on you for his depression, lack of employment, “insufficient†amounts of sex, online “relationships,†or any other issues in your relationship. It’s possible that you’ve done absolutely nothing “wrong,†especially intentionally. I’m just presenting a few possible factors that might lead your partner to have negative feelings toward you, even if he’s not fully aware of them. And even if any of these issues ARE contributing to your partner’s reduced libido, it’s possible that much of the problem is in HIS HEAD; for example, maybe you’ve never pressured him to get a job, but HE feels guilty or insecure about his unemployment HIMSELF, and then misdirects those self-induced feelings toward you so that he believes YOU are the source of his psychological or emotional discomfort. I hope this isn’t the case about the unemployment or any other problems in the relationship, but it’s always possible and I’m just throwing it out there for you (and others) to consider. As we say in the field, “objective reality†is irrelevant; how the other person PERCEIVES and INTERPRETS things determines their reactions.
Of course, there could be many other problems that cause both of you to be upset at each other and which could, in turn, hurt your sex life. This is where open, honest, and skilled communication comes in: to help you two discover, address, and preferably resolve problems.
If none of these issues is relevant to your current situation, we can next look at your question about wearing leather and latex gear to try to inspire your partner sexually. If you can do so comfortably, this may be a good option for you.
Normally, I caution people about introducing something “too wild,†too quickly into their previously “tame†relationship, as some people do not react well to such a dramatic change. But in your case, since you already know your partner gets turned on by leather and latex, it would probably be okay for you to go ahead and surprise him with it one day/night. However, be prepared for the possibility that he might not react as you’d like.
What I mean is, if his lack of sexual desire is related to his depression, then your best efforts might not have much effect NOW. Or, things might not go down as you had hoped for some other reason. Which returns us to my point about communication: If things don’t work out as planned, you’ll have to talk to your partner about what ELSE might turn him on, either NOW as he’s trying to get back into the sexual swing of things, or in general.
For instance, some people think something is really hot when OTHERS do it, but not when their own partner does. If the leather and latex don’t do it, maybe you could try “entry-level†BDSM kits like the ones I’m linking here. Would he be into a full body massage, body paints, or other things that you might not have done yet with him, either “as is†or while one of you is tied up?
I especially recommend the massage oils as a good way to introduce “novelty†into a couple’s sex life because very few people will turn down a massage, even the more “conservative†individuals. If your partner isn’t ready to begin full-on sex yet, you can let him know this is just your “treat†for him…no sex, no pressure, just a massage. If he later gives you the sense that he wants to go further—and a really skilled massage will usually bring most people to that point (books such as this one can help; and this link introduces other great books and ideas)—great. If not, showing him that you are prepared to just give him a nice massage without any pressure for sex might help motivate him to get back into action with you on his own accord.
In general, the “non-sexual†massage can easily be turned into an erotic massage and/or other forms of sex, as long as it’s not simply something like 10 seconds of rubbing and then BANGO—intercourse. In other words, the other person should feel that the massage really is for them, and if it leads to other activities later on, great. But if not, then that should be fine too.
But Desperately, if you try this a few times AND have tried to communicate your needs EFFECTIVELY, while hearing your partner’s needs as well, and he still isn’t willing and/or able to get down to business with you, you’ve got some really tough decisions to make. If you want to see some other people’s takes on this topic (in marriage), please check out this linked site.
I’m hoping the best for you, your partner, and your relationship, Desperately Seeking Satisfaction. I think it’s great that you’ve stuck by your partner during this very difficult time for him, but you also need to make sure that YOUR needs are being met either now or soon(-ish). As hard as all of this may have been on him, you do not deserve to have your own self-esteem dragged down as well. But as mentioned, it’s also very possible that his lack of sexual interest in you has nothing to do with you at all; it really could be all about the depression and/or meds.
Once again, healthy communication can help you determine this. Please feel free to update me or provide more information that might help me give more specific thoughts on the matter. Speaking of which, I’m wondering if the whole “female online friends†issue might be a separate letter in of itself.
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Please send your questions to lovecraft72@gmail.com
Topics: Sex Advice |
September 6th, 2007 at 10:55 pm
Hello Desperately Seeking Sex,
I have posted some information, comments and a personal anecdote for you that I believe will be useful to you. Please check out Dr. Amitay’s site at www.docamitay.com (under the blog entitled “Depressing Sex Life…”). The link to the posting is as follows:
http://docamitay.com/blog/2007/09/04/depressing-sex-life/
Take care and I hope to see you there soon!