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Simulatin’ the stimulation?
By The Love Doc | August 3, 2007
Hey Doc,
This might seem like a really stupid question, but how can I tell if my girlfriend really cums? I don’t really think she’s faking it, but she obviously knows when I come, so I just think it’s not fair that I can’t tell with her.
Signed, Faked out???
Hey Faked out,
First, I’m sorry to see you might have at least some doubt about your girlfriend’s sexual pleasure. I hope this isn’t something that puts any undue strain on the relationship, in bed or elsewhere. In any event, as I wrote in another blog post, even the “experts†can’t agree on how to determine what an orgasm is, when it occurs, or even who should make the decision as to if/when it’s occurred.
But below are a few general tips to help determine if someone’s had an orgasm. Before you read, however, please realize that so much of the orgasm goes on in the mind, especially for women.
So, if she gets the feeling that you’re worried about her orgasms, or if she thinks you don’t trust her, these factors could affect her ability to enjoy sex with you. Then, you risk CREATING the very problem you’re worried about: this is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
With those caveats/cautions firmly in place, please read on:
During orgasm, there is a large spike in the heart rate (up to about 180 beats/second). If you REALLY want to covertly/secretly check on your girlfriend’s orgasms, you could check her heart rate when you start fooling around, to establish a kind of baseline. Then check on it several minutes later, as it should keep increasing till it hits a peak rate of about 100-160 beats per second.
If you’re really skilled, you can do this by putting your head to her chest while kissing/licking part of her body, or try grabbing around her breast and feel for the heart beat. Then, when she reaches orgasm, you can try to see if you can tell the difference during the “spike†(which is obviously harder if she’s really beating fast BEFORE orgasm).
I discuss this in my sex classes, as I describe the “art†of being able to master such a technique without getting busted. So, be forewarned: if you screw it up, you can really look like a fool (or worse!). And even if she doesn’t notice what you’re doing, it does take practice to notice the spike. But it CAN be done with practice. You can try it on yourself, though the racing heart and “spike†are usually less during masturbation.
Please be clear, I’m not advocating such sneakiness and I take no responsibility for the fall-out if you do get busted. I’m just saying that this is one way to try to see if someone has really had an orgasm (unless they are like David Blaine and have extraordinary control over their heart and can cause it to spike without having an orgasm….if they can, I’d love to see what they can do with their pelvic muscles!).
Now, another thing to check is her muscle spasms (“myotoniaâ€) that occur during orgasm. These happen inside the vagina (at about 0.8 second intervals for the first few spasms/contractions, then slightly farther apart for the next 5-10 or so. 1 You could always try to feel these contractions with your penis or hand inside her vagina, but that’s a really tough one to determine.
Also, some people argue that g-spot orgasms DON’T involve vaginal contractions, 2 so if she’s lucky enough to experience a g-spot (or “uterine,†to use Singer’s term) orgasm, you may be out of luck. Singer and Singer DO say there’s a different breathing pattern with “uterine†orgasms, with the woman gulping/gasping for air, then holding of the breath as she’s about to cum. Then, she lets out a huge breath as she cums. So, if you think she’s having a g-spot/uterine orgasm, you could try looking for that pattern of breathing.
Or, one way to get around the lack of vaginal contractions is to get a finger or penis in her butt (preferably for a while beforehand–IF SHE’S COMFORTABLE WITH THAT–as opposed to suddenly shoving your finger up when you think she’s having an orgasm…), as it’s easier to feel the sphincter contractions inside her butt that also accompany orgasm. On the other hand, if she knows what you’re up to (no pun intended), it’s not that hard to contract the sphincter (she can do the same with her vaginal muscles as well, especially if she’s up on her Kegel Exercises, but most people find it easier to squeeze the sphincter).
Another way to maybe tell if she’s really having an orgasm is to watch for muscle spasms in certain areas of her body (which differ for most people, whether it’s their legs “twitchingâ€, a shoulder jerk, etc.); again, she can fake these contractions/spasms if she knows that you’re looking for them.
But Faked out, the bottom line is that I really hope this isn’t or doesn’t become an issue for you and/or your girlfriend, or that your concern about the possibility of her faking orgasms isn’t a sign of more serious problems in your relationship.Because when such problems DO begin to develop, the most important way to deal with them is through honest, loving, non-confrontations communications, as described in another blog post.
On a final note, Faked out, you might be interested to know that, even though most men do ejaculate when they orgasm, these are actually two distinct/separate processes.
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Please send your questions to lovecraft72@gmail.com
1 Many books describe this, bur let’s give credit to the researchers who really got the physiological ball rolling: Masters, W.H., & Johnson, V.E. (1966). Human sexual response. Boston: Little Brown.
2 Singer, I. (1973). The goals of human sexuality. New York: W.W. Norton. Singer, J., & Singer, I. (1972). Types of female orgasm. Journal of Sex Research, 8, 255-267.
Topics: Sex Advice |
August 3rd, 2007 at 10:40 am
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