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How are we doing for time???
By The Love Doc | June 18, 2007
Hey Doc,
Thank you for this site. I have a really embarrassing question I can’t discuss with anyone, so I hope you can help. I’m 24, gay, and against stereotype I’m pretty conservative when it comes to sex. I’ve kissed guys (and girls) and fooled around a bit, but I’ve never let anyone touch my penis after the first person did when I was 15. She barely touched my penis and I shot my load. It was humiliating! She made it worse by laughing and telling her friends (and mine)! Ever since then, I’ve been too afraid that it might happen again, so I haven’t let things get that far. Now I’m in a relationship with a great guy and I finally want to have sex, but I’m afraid about what might happen. I know he’s really understanding, but I’m still nervous. I mean, even if I don’t shoot my load before I get inside him, I’m afraid I’ll still come after a couple of seconds. If I could at least know how long I’m supposed to go before I cum, that might help me out, kind of give me a goal to work toward when I jerk off. (If you can also tell me how to keep going longer, that would also be great, but I doubt you can answer that in a blog) I’ve heard so much bullshit from friends about their sexual exploits, that I can’t tell what is real or not, so I can’t base it on what they say. And I’m way too shy to ask them or anyone else in person, so I really hope you can help me out.
Signed, Speed Queen
Hey Speed Queen,
First, I’m sorry to see what happened when you were 15. So many of us have unpleasant or embarrassing early (and later) sexual experiences; to have someone make fun of us in such situations really sucks.
Your question is very common, as I’ve had many people ask me about this when they find out what I do for a living. In fact, only a few weeks ago I wrote about this in my other blog, www.docamitay.com, which I’ll mostly copy here.
The fact is, there is no official time limit (or number of thrusts) for how long a man is “supposed to” last. In order for a man to be officially diagnosed with “premature ejaculation,” HE or his partner has to believe he ejaculates too quickly on a regular basis. As for how long the average man can last, this is hard to determine as well, since it’s a FACTthat men will exaggerate how long they last if asked (what we call “self-report bias;” or “purposeful distortion“). However, Alfred Kinsey(the greatest sex interviewer of all time) reported in the 1940’s that about 75% of men lasted under 2 minutes.
Here is an example of the problem: When heterosexual men were asked to report how long they lasted from the time they inserted their penis into their partner’s vagina, in one study the average claimed duration was 14 minutes (the average amount of foreplay was reportedly 18 minutes)1 Yet, when heterosexual couples were asked the same question by the same researchers, the men claimed to last on average only 8 minutes (their partners’ average estimate was 7 minutes)2 (To be fair, these researchers also conducted a similar study where only men (without their partners being involved) answered the same question about duration after vaginal penetration and their average time was 8 minutes, as in the couples study; but even this time must be treated with skepticism, since these are self-reports.3
As one more example of problems with self-report, one study that found that men who claimed on average to last for 12 minutes during intercourse (it’s not clear how the question was worded–see below for more on this problem–but for the sake of argument we’ll presume they were asked about post-vaginal penetration duration (I just made that term up, but it does sound pretty “official,” no?) also claimed on average to last for NINE minutes when MASTURBATING.4 Oh come on…Most men do not try to last long when masturbating, so where do these men get off (no pun intended) claiming to last an average of nine minutes while jerking off?
Now, we could have men come in and have sex and time it that way (which has been done), but this is misleading because only men who are very confident in their sexual abilities–including how long they can last–will come to a lab to be observed having sex; plus, they will do everything in their power (including masturbating before coming in) to last as long as possible. For the record, men in these studies last between about 8 and 12 minutes.
Also, whether it’s self-report or in-lab studies, there’s the question of “when does the timer begin?” As soon as they insert their penis into the vagina or anus? In the mouth? As soon as the partner starts touching the penis? As soon as the couple starts “getting it on?”
And if you’re starting from vaginal or anal penetration, do you try to account for how much foreplay went on, since the longer a man engages in pre-coital (coital is the fancy term for sexual intercourse) activities, the faster he’s likely to cum during intercourse. Similarly, is the man “disqualified” if he cums during foreplay, since ejaculating once will usually cause men to last longer the second time?
In many studies that report on length of sexual encounters or how long the man can last, the researchers don’t usually account for such issues, nor are they very clear in their questioning. So, it’s not clear what the respondent is thinking of when they talk about how long they can last.
So, Speed Queen, I’ve probably raised more questions instead of answering your question. But these are the facts about the research on your question.
As for techniques on how to last longer, you’re right, that would take quite a lot of space to cover. However, here is a link to a page that seems to cover the topic responsibly and in great detail. As with any site dealing with sexuality, you must be careful about what you read and believe, but this does seem good from what I saw.
You can also check out Lovecraft’s selection of cock rings, which can be used to delay ejaculation, or sprays/creams/lotions such as Stud 100.
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Please send your questions to lovecraft72@gmail.com
1 Grenier, G., & Byers, S. E. (1997). The relationships among ejaculatory control, ejaculatory latency, and attempts to prolong heterosexual intercourse. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 26, 27-47.
2 Byers, S. E., & Grenier, G. (2003). Archives of Sexual Behavior, 32, 261-270.>
3 Grenier, G., & Byers, S. E. (2001). Operationalizing premature or rapid ejaculation. The Journal of Sex Research, 38, 369-378 )
4 Strassberg, D. S. Kelly, M. P., Carroll, C., & Kircher, J. C. (1987). The psychophysiological nature of premature ejaculation. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 16, 327-336.
Topics: Sex Advice |