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Playing nicely with toys…
By The Love Doc | June 5, 2007
Hey Doc,
My girlfriend was complaining that sex was getting too “routine,” so I wanted to surprise her with a dildo. But she wasn’t grateful at all! She didn’t like how it looked and said it was too loud. What does she want???
Signed, A man without a plan
Hey A man without a plan,
First, I’m glad to see that you’re not against exploring sexuality through sex toys; many men are intimidated by dildos and especially vibrators for various reasons (BTW, dildos and vibes are not the same thing, as only vibrators vibrate). One reason is the sheer size of some of these sex toys. Some men are intimidated because their penis can’t rotate, doesn’t have extra attachments, and can’t stimulate the vagina, clitoris, and anus all at the same time…But even with smaller vibes, many men fear that their partner won’t need them any more once they’ve discovered battery-powered ecstasy.1 I find this unfortunate, since any man (or woman) who believes they have nothing to offer their partner except for sexual pleasure must really feel insecure and incomplete. And what does that say about their perception of the relationship and the fact that they think they need to satisfy their partner only in bed, as opposed to trying to be a great partner in many other areas in addition to sexually?
And then there are the men and women who think sex toys are “unnatural.” Unfortunately, many people for various reasons rob themselves of the amazing pleasure they could otherwise experience if they only opened their mind and tried out sex toys, creams, lotions, oils, etc.2 The fact is, we are born to seek or desire pleasure, so any aversion to such “sex products” must be “learned”; i.e., whether they remember/are aware of it or not, anyone uncomfortable with “sex products” most likely either had a “bad experience” with one (or with sex in general) or picked up their negative attitude toward them from their family, friends, media, culture, or any other such influence in their environment.
I’m not sure how your girlfriend feels about these things so you need to discuss it with her. As cliched as it may sound, the fact is that the vast majority of relationship problems stem from poor communication3 So please try talking with your partner about what she feels comfortable with. Most important, for something as personal as a sex toy, you should usually let your partner choose what they like.
I recommend to many of my patients and students that they make a trip together to a respectable sex store to explore what’s out there together. Just make sure to find a store with the “proper” atmosphere, which is basically that it doesn’t look dark or “sleazy,” and the staff are friendly (but not overbearing), respectful, and knowledgeable. You can also check together for products online.4 However you do it, find out what appeals to you and your partner, and if necessary, start out “slow.”
For instance, a great way to enter the world of “sex products” is through massage oil (I’ll pat myself on the back for not saying “sliding into the world of sex products”…;)). I mean, who wouldn’t like it if their partner came home one day and gave them a massage? And using a massage oil only makes the massage better. From there, it’s a small and natural step to turn the massage into an erotic massage (as long as you don’t spend 10 seconds on the massage and then go right for intercourse….). If you’ve never been masturbated or engaged in intercourse while using a massage oil or lubricant, you don’t know what you’re missing!
The point is, it’s important to explore and expand your sexuality at your own pace; when you’re with a partner, the more “adventurous” one needs to be sensitive to the other’s “limitations,” while gently trying to “expand their horizons” (if that is your aim).
So, A man without a plan, best of luck making sure you and your partner are using healthy communication in general,5 as well as in your attempts to explore your sexual relationship together.
————————————–
Please send your questions to lovecraft72@gmail.com
1 For the record, some vibes are powered by electric cords…
2 No, I’m not merely trying to promote Lovecraft here…
3 e.g., Gottman, J. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail. New York: Simon & Schuster.
4 Yes, I know it really looks like I’m pushing Lovecraft here, but if you don’t want to check Lovecraft’s online store, please try anywhere else; I’m just not about to go out of my way to promote other businesses…;)
5 There are many books on the topic, including one on how not to “play dirty”: Creighton, S. M. (1992). Don’t go away mad. New York: Doubleday.
Topics: Sex Advice |
August 3rd, 2007 at 1:24 pm
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