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Dry Humper???
By The Love Doc | May 20, 2007
Hey Doc,
I used to think I came pretty easily whenever I have sex, but my current boyfriend is making me doubt if I’m really having orgasms. He thinks I’m faking because I don’t ejaculate when I have an orgasm. Now I’m having trouble cumming at all because I’m so stressed out trying to ejaculate (unsuccessfully) to prove to my boyfriend that I’m having an orgasm. Am I missing something?
Signed, Dry Humper???
Hey Dry Humper,
First off, I’m sorry to see your boyfriend’s making you question your sexuality. Your question raises a lot of important issues, so my answer will be pretty long. You can always skip to the end, where I’ve summarized all of the main points.
I think it’s great that you’re able to orgasm whenever you have sex, as research suggests that only about ¼ of women always have an orgasm during sex with their partner.1 (it’s hard to determine how accurate this stat really is, as some studies ask about “always†reaching orgasm, some ask “always or usually,†etc; also, some studies focus specifically on intercourse, while others ask about “sex†with a partner, but many people have different definitions of “sex;†finally, in ALL sex research there is always the question of whether people who participate in these studies are truly representative of the general population or whether certain topics appeal to only certain types of people—this is especially a problem with informal surveys such as those found in magazines and on the internet. These are issues that will likely appear in future questions…)
Anyway, perhaps having watched too many “squirt†videos (the genre is called “shiofuki†in Japanese), now your boyfriend INCORRECTLY believes that women must ejaculate in order to have truly reached orgasm.
In fact, female ejaculation is highly controversial, as supposed “experts†can’t agree on what exactly this “ejaculate†is. Is it pee? Is it “semen� Is it something else?
It’s pretty sad…we’ve spent gazillions of dollars exploring the farthest reaches of the universe yet don’t even know what the heck is coming out of some women—a 1990 survey found that 40% of professional women in Canada and the US reported ejaculating during orgasm at least once2 (data from older and smaller studies have ranged from between 4.7% and 54% for women who ejaculate during orgasm, and only 14% of women say they ejaculate with “most†or “all†orgasms
Masters, W., Johnson, V., & Kolodny, R. (1988). Human Sexuality, 3rd ed. Glenview, IL: Scott, Foresman.
And although “female ejaculation†will get you nearly 2,000,000 hits (and climbing) on Google, a search of peer-reviewed papers (i.e., “legitimate researchâ€) produces fewer than 10 actual published studies on the subject, none of which are from the last few years! In other words, there is very little “scientific†research on female ejaculation, and most of it is very poorly done; this is true for “g-spot†research as well. Among the few studies out there, there is a lot of controversy over the different methodologies and results, even though it shouldn’t be THAT difficult to conduct a proper study to analyze the content of this “ejaculate.â€
Having said all that, my impression after having read all of the existing literature is that female ejaculation is NOT simply pee and instead probably comes from (at least in part) the Skene’s glands (an area associated with the “g-spot†or “female prostate,†discussed below)
Jannini E, Simonelli C, Lenzi A (2002). Sexological approach to ejaculatory dysfunction. International Journal of Andrology, 25, 317-323.
Schubach, G. (2002). The G-spot is the female prostate. American Journal of Obstetrics & Gynecology, 186, 850.
Zaviacic M., Ablin, R.J., Ruzickova, M., et al. (2000). Immunohistochemical study of prostate-specific antigen in normal and pathological human tissues with special reference to the male and female prostate and breast. Journal of Histotechnology, 23, 105–111.
But many women do feel pressure because of confusion and ignorance in both the media and among “sex experts,†starting with Sigmund Freud more than 100 years ago. Freud claimed that “immature women†orgasm through stimulation of the clitoris, while “real/mature women†achieve orgasm through penile-vaginal penetration alone3. Although research (starting with Alfred Kinsey in the 1950’s4) proves Freud wrong about his claims of clitoral vs. vaginal orgasms, even today “experts†disagree on what “vaginal orgasm†means. In fact, “experts†can’t even agree on how we should decide whether women have achieved ANY orgasm!
Mah, K., & Binik, Y. (2001). The nature of human orgasm: A critical review of major trends. Clinical Psychology Review, 21, 823-856.
And “experts†can’t even prove whether the “g-spot†really exists or whether it is just another form of a clitoral orgasm5. (BTW, if you want to put yourself in the tiny minority, properly pronounce the name of the doctor after whom the g-spot was named—Ernst Gräfenberg6 —by saying “gray†at the start, not “grahâ€â€¦In fact, he never referred to a “spot†but described a larger area or “crest†as some authors prefer to say7). The only thing most “experts†agree on is that stimulation of the area called the g-spot is what usually leads to ejaculation in women who are able to do so.
If you would like to explore the g-spot and female ejaculation (or any kind of orgasm), the best way to do so is ALONE, with a specially designed “g-spot vibrator†(or any vibrator that suits you if you’re going for a clitoral orgasm). Find a time and place where you can devote a fair bit of time to exploring your body comfortably, in peace and with no interruptions. Play some music, adjust the lighting, light some scented candles, or do whatever else helps put you in the mood (and maybe put a towel underneath you if you are concerned about making a mess if you ejaculate). Then, putting no pressure on yourself at all, use the vibrator for however long you want. If you’re exploring your g-spot, most women prefer lying on their back. With a g-spot vib, hold it so that it’s putting pressure on the inside of your abdomen/belly, a few inches directly above your clitoris–give or take an inch or two in all directions. With a bit of exploration, you should soon discover which parts of this area are the most sensitive (you can also do this by hand but the location of this area makes it hard to do by yourself for more than a few minutes). For added sensation, you can use your other hand to push down on your belly where the vib is doing its job, and/or adjust how much force the vib is putting on the g-spot.
In fact, you’ll likely want to use your other hand to stimulate your vulva (the outside of your vagina, including your clitoris and lips/labia). But as tempting as this might be, it’s better not to do so until you can truly recognize “g-spot pleasure†as distinct from clitoral stimulation. However, remember that some “experts†argue that the g-spot is really just an extension of the clitoris8 (only recently have we discovered that the nerve endings of the clitoris are far longer and more complex than we used to think). So, if after repeated attempts you can’t clearly identify the g-spot, don’t worry about it.
The most important thing to remember is DO NOT PUT ANY PRESSURE ON YOURSELF AND SIMPLY ENJOY THE MOMENT. This is true whether you are trying to ejaculate, find your g-spot, or reach orgasm through clitoral (or other body part) stimulation.
The fact is, almost all women find that if they just allow themselves to enjoy whatever pleasure they get from stimulating themselves—with hands, a vib, showerhead, or anything else—they’ll usually be able to achieve an orgasm eventually (regardless of what we want to call it). Once you become really aware of and comfortable with your sexual response on your own, it’s far, far easier to experience amazing sex with a partner (if you so choose). You may already know a lot of this, Dry Humper, but I’m hoping to reach out to other women who may not yet have reached that level of comfort and sexuality.
Now, returning to your boyfriend, please have him read all of this to help him avoid being as misinformed and misguided about female sexuality as many “experts†are. At the very least, he needs to know that most women require a fair bit (or a LOT) of psychological effort to reach orgasm or enjoy sex fully (for a variety of reasons that will likely come up in future threads and which apply to a far smaller proportion of men). So, as you’ve already seen, the pressure he’s putting on you is interfering with your ability to enjoy sex. I hope this helps clear things up, Dry Humper.
Here is a summary of the main points:
• Only about ¼ of women always have an orgasm during sex with their partner (about ¾ of men do)
• Anywhere between 5-54% of women report having ejaculated at least once during orgasm
• 14% of women say they ejaculate with “most†or “all†orgasms
• Any time you see stats such as these, you need to realize that many times the data may be biased because of who’s conducting the research, who’s participating, what’s being asked, and/or how the questions are asked (people are more likely to lie about certain topics than others, and are more likely to lie in different research circumstances than others)
• Supposed “experts†can’t agree on what exactly “female ejaculate†is
• Supposed “experts†can’t agree on what they mean by “vaginal orgasmâ€
• Supposed “experts†can’t agree on whether the “g-spot†really exists or whether it is simply an extension of the clitoris’ nerve endings
• Supposed “experts†can’t agree on how best to determine whether a woman has had ANY kind of orgasm
• There is very little “scientific†research on female ejaculation and the g-spot, and most of it is very poorly done
• What little evidence there is suggests that female ejaculation is NOT simply pee and instead probably comes from (at least in part) the Skene’s glands, which are located around the area of the g-spot (or “female prostateâ€)
• Stimulation of the g-spot area is what appears to cause female ejaculation
• Freud contributed greatly to confusion around orgasm in women about 100 years ago by WRONGLY claiming that “immature women†orgasm through stimulation of the clitoris, while “real/mature women†achieve orgasm through penile-vaginal penetration alone
• No woman should feel pressured by anyone (including herself) to ejaculate or to achieve a “g-spot orgasm†(or any kind of orgasm)
• Almost all women find that if they just allow themselves to enjoy whatever pleasure they get from stimulating themselves—with hands, a vib, showerhead, or anything else—they’ll usually be able to achieve an orgasm eventually
• Most women (and a much smaller proportion of men) require a fair bit (or a LOT) of psychological effort to reach orgasm or enjoy sex fully
————————————–
Please send your questions to lovecraft72@gmail.com
1 Although there are some serious problems with this study, it is considered by many to be the best modern, large-scale indicator of sexuality in North America: Laumann, E.O., Gagnon, J.H., Michael, R.T., & Michaels, S. (1994). The social organization of sexuality: sexual practices in the United States. Chicago: University of Chicago.
2 Darling, C.A., Davidson, J.K., & Conway-Welch, C. (1990). Female ejaculation: Perceived origins, the Grafenberg spot/area, and sexual responsiveness. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 19, 29-48.
3 Here’s a 1977 translation of some of Freud’s work, containing many of his errors regarding sex: On sexuality: three essays on the theory of sexuality and other works / Sigmund Freud; translated from the German under the general editorship of James Strachey; compiled and edited by Angela Richards. Harmondsworth, New York: Penguin Books.
4 Kinsey, A.C., Pomeroy, W.B., Martin, C.E., & Gebhard, P.H. (1953). Sexual behavior in the human female. Oxford, England: Saunders.
5 There are too many references to cite, but one relatively recent review by an author who has been arguing in favour of the existence of the g-spot and female ejaculation since the 70’s is: Whipple, B. (2000). Beyond the G spot. Scandinavian Journal of Sexology, 3, 35-42. (Below is a reference of a review by T.M. Hines, an author who argues against the existence of these phenomena.)
6 Grafenberg, E. (1950). The role of the urethra in female orgasm. International Journal of Sexology, 3, 145–148.
7 Zaviacic, M., Zaviacicova, A., Holoman, I.K., & Molcan, J. (1998). Female urethral expulsions evoked by local digital stimulation of the G-spot: Differences in the response patterns. The Journal of Sex Research, 24, 311-318.
8 Hines, T.M. (2001). The G-Spot: A Modern Gynecologic Myth. American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, 185, 359-362.
Topics: Sex Advice |
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