From Stagnant To Pregnant?
By The Love Doc | December 30, 2007
Hey Doc,
My partner and I are trying to conceive. We’ve tried the traditional way and that’s not working. We’re considering fertility treatments. An issue of big concern for us, is that sex is beginning to feel mechanical. You know, the correct time of month, time of day, temperature, etc. I’m just not sure how to make sex fun and still achieve our goal. Can you suggest something to make sex fun again?
Signed, Stuck in a Rugrat Rut
Hey Stuck in a Rugrat Rut,
First, I hope you are successful in your attempts to get pregnant, with whichever method you try. I’m sure you’ve spoken with “fertility specialists,” and you may have to do a bit of “shopping around” to make sure that the people you speak with have the most up-to-date and credible information.
As for keeping sex fun (and, I presume, relatively spontaneous) while trying to get pregnant, the first thing I would say is to look at my other responses here to inquiries about similar matters (here is an example). Basically, in addition to good communication, I keep stressing that introducing different elements into your sex life is the key to keeping it “fresh,†whether you’re trying to conceive a baby, trying to make it a birthday your partner will never forget, trying to reduce the temptation to seek someone else out to revive a diminishing libido, or whatever.
As I’ve said before, a visit to a reputable store with knowledgeable, helpful and respectful staff can introduce a variety of sex toys, massage oils and other lotions, books, dvds/videos, sensual games, and so on, to bring novelty and excitement into the relationship. Even those who’ve already extensively explored the world of erotica can usually continue to find new ways to experience, expand upon and enhance your sexuality by visiting such stores and various websites (and can you think of a more appropriate theme to google?? I mean really, that word must have been created with only one thing in mind…).
In your case, Stuck in a Rugrat Rut, you need to be mindful of the timing of when you have sex, so it’s going to reduce the spontaneity or “surprise” for you. However, there are a few things you and your partner can do to keep things interesting for the other person.
Your partner doesn’t need to know when you’re at peak ovulation, so you can still surprise him when you initiate the sex. For his part, when you do have sex, he can use new information and/or products like those mentioned above to make sure that sex is anything but routine. And of course, aside from the window of ovulatory opportunity, you two still have many days in the month to have sex whenever you want, without having to worry about birth control (as long as your partner doesn’t ejaculate for about two days before you think that window will open).
Best of luck with everything, Stuck in a Rugrat Rut. I really hope things work out on both the fun and fertility sides. Please feel free to update me on your progress.
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Please send your questions to lovecraft72@gmail.com
Topics: Sex Advice | No Comments »
Looking for Some ASSurance…
By The Love Doc | December 20, 2007
Hey Doc,
My boyfriend wants to explore anal sex with me. Me being the receiver, to be clear. Gulp, I’m not that comfortable with the idea. How should I approach this? Should I just tell him NO! Or am I clenching up for nothing? I’m just not sure what to do.
Signed, Not a Pain in the Butt?
Hey Not a Pain,
This a very important question that touches on a more general issue of partners wanting to try things that the other person might not be ready for (now or ever). To be clear, whether we’re talking about anal play or anything else, you should never feel pressured to do something you do not want to do.
That being said, if there’s anything you don’t feel comfortable doing, you might want to ask yourself what prevents you from wanting to try it. I am NOT saying that you must do these things or that everything is “normal.” It’s just that having taught thousands of university students and having worked with many clients/patients, I know for a fact that a) there is such a tremendous range and variety of sexual activities that we can do, and b) you should never assume that anyone else will share your opinion of what you find “normal” or “daring” or “erotic” or “stimulating” or “strange” or “off-limits” or “disgusting” or whatever.
That is one reason I always say (for instance to this writer and this writer) that good communication is crucial in a relationship, especially when it comes to finding out what the other person wants, needs, can’t tolerate, isn’t ready for, etc, sexually.
Returning to the issue of what you might not be prepared to do, please understand that many people’s reluctance to try something (sexual or otherwise) often stems from some (past) beliefs and/or experiences–either their own or others’ that they’ve heard about. And where do these beliefs come from? That is what you should ask yourself.
As for past experiences preventing you from trying something, that is harder to deal with because sometimes the past experience was traumatic. In such cases, reminders of this traumatic incident can trigger a similar reaction to what you felt during the original trauma. This can all apply as well–to a (much) lesser degree–to negative past experiences that were not traumatic.
In these kinds of cases, it’s up to you how much to share with your partner, depending on who that person is, how much you trust them, how safe/comfortable you feel sharing such things with them, etc. Of course the partner might want to know what’s going on if you refuse to do something, but they have no right to demand that you tell them. They can ask, but if you refuse to explain or elaborate beyond, say, “I just can’t do it (and don’t feel comfortable talking about it)”, then only a selfish, clueless, inconsiderate and entirely unempathic partner will continue to push for an answer.
And you can guess what I would have to say about someone who, in this situation, pushes a partner to do something that they obviously are not ready, able, or willing to do. But as I alluded to in the message I linked above, as well as this message from the same docamitay site, my contempt does not apply if someone “gently probes” to see what their partner is willing to do, and if that partner does not give clear indication that they don’t want do do a certain behaviour (assuming they’re not being threatened or intimidated in any way).
As for anal sex specifically, it does not need to be (that) painful, if done properly: That is, if a) enough proper, water-based lubricant is used (petroleum-based products increase the chances of a condom tearing), since the anus produces no lubrication on its own, and other methods such as spitting on the ass or the object to be inserted might work in pornos, this is nowhere close to as effective as proper lubricants; b) you’re sufficiently relaxed (this is usually easier when you’re really sexually aroused), c) the object is inserted slowly and carefully, at a pace you can handle; and d) you refrain from anal play for a while if you ever hurt yourself during a previous encounter.
Books such as The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex or Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men and Women or The Better Sex Guide to Anal Pleasure can help greatly in making sure you explore this erogenous zone in the way that’s best for you. Speaking of which, before even thinking about inserting something as large as a penis, you might want to think about starting with something smaller and more manageable, such as any of these sex/anal toys.
Many of those toys can also be used by men, as more and more straight men these days are discovering how erotic their own anus can be (gay, bisexual, and “sexually liberal” straight men have known about this forever…). Although some straight men might be hesitant to go there due to stigma about playing with the anus and somehow being considered “gay” (remember what I said above about at least thinking about where your own beliefs might come from?), some of these hesitant men might be more willing to explore this amazing erogenous zone from the outside, via the perineum (also known by many slang terms such as “taint” or “choda”); if you want to sound like an “expert,” make sure to pronounce it properly: [peh-ruh-NEE-im], not [puh-RIN-ee-im]. More adventurous men and women might want to check out a previous message on this site that dealt with anal play involving women inserting into men, which also had some links to some great resources.
On a final note, I always tell my students that if you’re ever going to insert something into your anus, please be aware of how the anal sphincter works: it’s like a suction cup or vacuum cleaner (or “black hole”….insert your own joke here…) that sucks everything up that goes near it. That is why you should make sure that you’ve got something that will not easily slip out of your hands (the “eyes” on this guy are not there just to be “cute”), and why most anal toys have a tapered shape and a proper base.
I hope some of this helps if you decide to “take the plunge,” Not a Pain, and please feel free to write me with more questions, thoughts, and/or updates.
———————————
Please send your questions to lovecraft72@gmail.com
Topics: Sex Advice | No Comments »
Fifty and Fit to be Tied…
By The Love Doc | December 6, 2007
Dear Doc,
I am a lady in my late fifties, I feel that I still have lots of good loving and sex to look forward to. Unfortunately, my other half is not always up to it. This is happening to him more frequently recently. I am contemplating buying/using a vibrator or dildo ( I don’t really know the difference) I am feeling rather shy and embarrassed by the whole prospect, plus I don’t want to be judged if I get up the nerve to go into a sex shop like Lovecraft.
Do you have any suggestions on how I might get my feet wet so to speak? Is it safe to order this kind of merchandise over the internet?? I would appreciate any advice or help that you can provide.
Signed, Fifty and Fit to be Tied (or anything else exciting…)
Dear Fifty and Fit,
First, I’m sorry to see you’re having to deal with these issues. But I am glad to see that your sexual energy or libido is still healthy and something that you want to explore further.
As for your questions, in fact, many people don’t know the difference between dildos and vibrators, and the confusion is not helped by inaccurate terms used in the media (including one of my favourite movies, Fight Club). Simply put, vibrators vibrate, dildos do not. Here are some links to many vibrators and dildos for your perusal.
Now, lots of research1 shows that many men and women continue to be sexual by themselves and/or with a partner well beyond their 50’s,2 and some people even keep going into their second century of life!3
When people begin to lose interest or pleasure when it comes to sex, the first thing I recommend is that they get a physical check-up to make sure there’s nothing going on physically/physiologically. With the introduction of Viagra in 1999, as well as a greater emphasis on lifestyle choices, more and more people are willing to discuss such issues and are realizing that healthier living and/or medication taken responsibly can help them continue to express and explore their sexuality well into their later years.4
Please check out The New Love and Sex After 60 and ripe fruit, as well as Great Sex Over 50 for Women: An Erotic Guide for Couples and Great Sex Over 50 for Men: An Erotic Guide for Couples, which you might find interesting and helpful. Of course, there are many other books and videos you might enjoy.
One problem is that some “younger†people have negative biases against individuals who remain sexually active as they get older. And this bias can unfortunately make its way to “older†people, who may feel guilt or other negative feelings for continuing to have sexual desires and/or engaging in sexual behaviours.5
I don’t know your own partner’s situation, Fifty and Fit, but related to that last point, psychological or emotional factors might be contributing to the change in his sexual attitudes and/or functioning. Another possibility is that something in the relationship might be contributing to the changes. As I’ve repeatedly stressed in other responses such as this one and this one, good communication is essential in any relationship.
In your case, you may want to begin your sexual exploration on your own first, and then try to get your partner involved, if you think he’s willing to try. Your concerns are very reasonable, so let’s look at each one.
First, I can’t vouch for any other stores, but I do know that Lovecraft has set and maintained the standard for professional, respectful, open, knowledgeable, kind, courteous, and helpful customer care for over 35 years as the leader in Canada’s sex/erotica/adult industry.
If you don’t want to go in person, you can check out Lovecraft’s online store. Again, Lovecraft has established itself as an ethical and trustworthy online business, but you’re taking your chances with any other online or in-person business, so you have to be careful, of course.
Whatever you decide, one great way to introduce a partner into a more creative sex life is through massages, as I describe in this previous post and this one. And here is a link to many massage oils and other creams/sprays/lotions to get you started.
Best of luck with everything, Fifty and Fit, and please feel free to write me with more questions, thoughts, and/or updates.
———————————
Please send your questions to lovecraft72@gmail.com
1 American Association of Retired Persons. (1999) AARP Modern Maturity sexuality study. Washington, DC: AARP.
2 Libman, E. (1989). Sociocultural and cognitive factors in aging and sexual expression: Conceptual research issues. Canadian Psychology, 3, 560-567.
3 Bretschneider, J.G., & McCoy, N.L. (1988). Sexual interest and behavior in healthy 80- and 102-year-olds.Archives of Sexual Behavior, 17, 109-130.
4 Katz, S., & Marshall, B. (2003). New sex for old: Lifestyle, consumerism, and the ethics of aging well. Journal of Aging Studies, 17, 3-16.
5 Reiss, B.F. (1988). The long-lived person and sexuality. Dynamic Psychotherapy, 6, 79-86.
Topics: Sex Advice | No Comments »
Strap-On Advice
By madeline | December 5, 2007
Hi,
I was in your store this summer and bought a few items and now I would like some advice on harnesses. My boyfriend wants to experiment with being penetrated by me wearing a strap on. Any advice on which product to try? Di
Hi Di:
Good to hear from you. I would suggest the Bend Over Beginner harness kit. It comes with two sizes of dildos, one is quite small and another one is a little larger to work up to…also the deluxe strap on kit is comfortable harness to wear, looks good with Chinese silk brocade on the front panel and the dildo is quite slim with a graduated size, a little larger at the base. An excellent DVD you might want to consider is “Bend Over Boyfriend”. It gives you comprehensive information on anal play. And don’t forget a water based lubricant like Maximus or Probe Classic.
Topics: Sex Advice | 1 Comment »
Pardon me, I’m a Doctor
By madeline | November 2, 2007
Hello. I’ve never bought any sex toys or sex aids before. My question has to do with how to get optimal (not painful) clitoral stimulation during penile-vaginal intercourse (pardon me, I’m a doctor). I can’t reach orgasm during intercourse without direct clitoral stimulation, and it gets rather awkward for my partner to use his hand at the same time (God bless him for doing it!). I’m noticing some of the cock rings on your website have vibrators or other textured parts attached to them, which I think would give direct clitoral stimulation during intercourse. Am I correct, or do you have another suggestion? Which specific product(s) would you recommend? Thank-you so much. – D.Hi D.
Thank you for you question.
I think your instincts are correct. A vibrating penis ring may do the trick. The textured rings may work, but it may take a few tries before you find the right fit. I find some of the textures are very subtle, so you may not notice it while experiencing penetration.
The non-vibrating rings are designed to help a man last longer, so that could be beneficial as well. The vibrating penis rings come in a variety of shapes and sizes. Ultimately you have to listen to your instincts, but let me outline a couple of toys, that might be of interest.
The Screaming O, disposable, is a great one to try as it only costs $9.98 and is made of silicone with is a high quality material and yet quite stretchy. The Big O is a reusable ring with various speeds and functions, you may find that you like something that is more random and the various functions will answer that need. It retails for $16.98. Aqua Silks has a ring that is slightly different in that it is a bullet with an attached ring and separate battery pack ($24.98). It has 4 speeds from a low to high. Lastly, the O Wow is quite new and is not currently on our website. It is a penis ring with a bullet. The ring is made of silicone. The bullet is plastic and can be removed from the silicone ring. If you find that you don’t like the rings…the o wow bullet ($21.98) can be used on its own…you could be having intercourse and use the vibrating bullet on it’s own up against your clitoris. The vibration will still be sporadic; you should feel it when your husband is penetrating you up close and personal, so to speak.
Your husband should also enjoy the vibration. I hope I have given you some food for thought.
Pamela
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Tantus - the science of sensation
By madeline | October 24, 2007
Tantus has built a reputation as the industry leader through their elevated level of quality and exclusive product designs. Tantus strives to continue delivering the science of sensation thru innovation, education and brand reputation.
Quality
Tantus toys are made from ultra-premium platinum silicone, the finest material found in the adult toy market.
Safe
Tantus toys are hypoallergenic, phthalate free, odourless, boilable, and bleachable. Silicone dildos are even dishwasher safe. No open pores to harbour bacteria. Great for those with sensitive skin.
Silicone Lubricants with Silicone Toys
The reason for “no silicone lube on silicone toys†is that silicone lubricant may bond to the toy. This isn’t true of all silicone toys - it depends on the purity of the silicone toy and the purity of the silicone lubricant. If you wish to test your silicone toy with silicone lube use the bottom of the flared base and do a test square.
Made in the
Topics: General | No Comments »
Looking for Another Side to the Story…
By The Love Doc | September 23, 2007
Hey Doc,
A couple of years ago I was living in a house and there was a girl in the room next to mine. I really liked her but was never able to tell her because I was scared that it would become way too awkward to be living in the same house, same floor, if she didn’t feel the same way. I mean, I could say “Okay cool, we can remain friends,” but in reality I would be embarrassed and would never be able to chill with her. It simply wouldn’t be the same. Also I’ve always believed never to tell a girl straight that you ‘like her’ or disclose your true feelings ever, since pretty girls get hit on by guys all the time…and she would think, “there’s another loser….â€
Also, she had a girlfriend who was always hanging out with her and I thought they would gossip and laugh behind my back, if my housemate didn’t feel the same way about me. They thought I was a “nice guy” but I already know that nice guys don’t succeed in the dating world. I tried to drop a few hints sometimes, but she was never really able to catch them. We would often watch TV together and go out (but as a group only) for about six months. Then she found another guy and I was sooo devastated and heart broken.
Now I’m looking back at everything, how I just saw her and something happened, how I started liking her so much (one-sided liking and she didn’t even know about it), how each time I saw her I felt like she’s an angel, and how I used to react when I saw her (even though I talked normally to her, my heart would beat so fast!). So I’m wondering if everything I was feeling for her is called “True Love†or simply “Infatuationâ€?
Signed One-Sided Lover
Hey One-Sided Lover,
First of all, I’m sorry to see that you can count yourself among the huge and ever-growing ranks of victims of unrequited love. However, your letter contains certain points that suggest you have a few advantages of many people who do not act on their possibly one-sided liking, infatuation, or even love.
That is, many people fall back on the “our relationship is too important/special to risk losing if we ever broke up†excuse for why they don’t admit their feelings for someone. This is true in SOME cases, but for most people, they cannot admit that the real fear or concern that stops them from acting on their romantic feelings is the risk of being rejected and/or humiliated. This can be at the moment of truth or afterwards, if the person tells other people what happened.
The truth behind this situation can be seen if we realize that many of these people would jump at the chance if the other person took the initiative and said that they had special feelings for them. Of course, in this situation there is still the risk of losing the friendship when they broke up. Yet, many of these people would not hesitate to take the next step if the other person gave them a pretty clear “green light,†thus the real reason for not acting on their feelings is the fear of rejection and embarrassment/awkwardness that you are honest enough to recognize and admit to.
The second point to your advantage is that you are questioning whether your feelings reflect “true love†or, more likely, “infatuation.†If you can honestly look at the situation and appreciate it for what it is, you have a better chance of being able to use your feelings to guide you in future instances.
Although “love at first sight†probably does really happen in some cases, most of the time certain feelings upon meeting someone for the first time reflect mostly physical/sexual attraction. Of course, it depends on how you define “love†(check out “Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love†on the web; of all the theories I’ve seen, this one seems to best capture the different elements of “loving relationships†in a relatively simple manner that is easy to understand and apply to your own life). But if you think of love as involving a deep emotional and psychological connection—preferably with a certain amount of physical/sexual connectedness mixed in—then true “love at first sight†seems improbable, since all you’re really going on is their physical appearance and MAYBE some kind of “gut feeling.â€
Sure, “true love†may develop later, but at the very beginning you’re really dealing with mostly physical attraction and maybe a few hints of their character, or whatever they’re publicly projecting at the time; in some cases, they may be projecting something else they’re not aware of, or you might be picking up on something you’re not even aware of, which would be closer to the “gut feeling.†Malcolm Gladwell, of “The Tipping Point†fame, writes about this in his recent book, “Blink†(it also contains references to some actual studies that lend some support to the premises in his book).
In any event, looking at the situation realistically will help you avoid obsessing and ruminating over something that might not even be real. It can also help prevent you from beating up on yourself for not acting on your feelings. Think about it: You’re far less likely to punish yourself if you say, “I didn’t admit how I feel to this person, to whom I am physically/sexually attracted,†versus “How could I miss out on saying how I feel to my one true love…my soul mate?!â€
Also, if you’re realistic and honest about things, it can either keep the whole matter in perspective–“I didn’t say anything because it would be really awkward if she said “sorry, I don’t feel the same way,†and then I had to see her every day and pretend that nothing happened.†Or, it might actually motivate you to do what you’re afraid of doing: You might ask yourself, “Okay, what’s the WORST that could REALISTICALLY happen if I admit my feelings and she doesn’t share them? And what do I stand to gain if I take the chance and tell her how I feel?â€
The fact is, in ANY area of life, most people are inclined to think of all the reasons they CAN’T do something risky and difficult, rather than trying to focus on all the reasons they might be able to do it, and how they can take the necessary steps to achieve their goal. Part of the reason for this is that people start thinking too far ahead and then get overwhelmed by all the unknowns…all the ambiguity…all the risk that comes with not knowing what might happen in the future.
One of the ways to overcome this paralysis is to focus on only THE MOST IMMEDIATE step. Of course, this requires breaking the problem down into smaller, more manageable steps. This process in of itself often helps people feel less anxious because now they are thinking about the problem in specific, concrete terms, rather than some vague cloud of unknown risks and other anxiety-producing factors that are lurking in the shadows of uncertainty. And just like with horror movies, the thing we can’t see and all the anticipation related to it is usually far scarier than what is actually there.
Returning to what I said above, it’s also a matter of asking yourself “What’s the WORST that could REALISTICALLY happen if I did ____?†along with “How likely is it that this would really happen if I did ____?†and “What good things could I realistically expect if I DID do ____?â€
In situations such as yours, One-Sided Lover, if the person is as wonderful as you think, chances are that she WOULDN’T try to hurt or humiliate you, even if she said “sorry, I don’t feel that way.†Also, I know you said you dropped hints, but there are three possibilities to consider:
1) She DID get the hints but didn’t feel the same way about you, so she pretended not to hear or get them, which could be her own way of dropping hints to you in a way that allows you to “save face.†That is, technically you never asked her out, so she didn’t have to reject you. This happens far more often than people realize because many people are not that great at “reading†people, and/or they are distracted by their anxiety over speaking with the person and trying to subtly show them how they feel.
2) She really didn’t get the hints, which if they were pretty obvious would suggest she didn’t feel the same way about you, since otherwise she would likely be looking for signs that you liked her. In this case, you could be thankful that you got your answer without having to face possible embarrassment; or, you would have to decide whether you needed to be more direct in your communication with her, despite the risks involved (see below).
3) She might have potential feelings for you but, due to her own insecurities, has a hard time accepting that others like her, no matter how many guys might say she’s hot or give other signs they like her. You said that attractive women are used to hearing people flatter them all the time, and this is true for many people. However, the fact is that many people–regardless of what they look like or what kind of persona they try to present–are very insecure due to their early experiences, usually starting at home.
We have a tendency to assume that physically attractive people are more confident and have fewer troubles than the “average person.†Yes, research does suggest that physically attractive people DO enjoy certain benefits for most of their life that the “average person†will never know. But I can tell you very clearly that ANYONE can have a messed up family life and early experiences, regardless of how they look or appear. This is a bit of a digression but I think it’s worth stressing.
Now, returning to your situation, if you can truly look at the FACTS and your feelings honestly and accurately, you will be in a better position to reflect on and weight the risks and benefits of admitting your feelings (or whatever else you’re contemplating doing). You will then have a better chance of making the right decision on whether or not you should take action or possibly live with the regret of not knowing how things might have been.
Remember that I said many people who claim not to take action are fooling themselves into believing it’s “for the sake of the friendship.†The sad irony is that their inability to look at things honestly often hurts the relationship or the other person’s feelings far more than they can realize or admit.
That is, those who are afraid to act on their romantic feelings often harbour some resentment toward the other person for not sharing and, most importantly, not expressing the same feelings in return. Although some people might admit to this resentment, most try to repress, deny, and/or ignore it in order to maintain their “illusion†of being a wonderful person and even better friend. Unfortunately, repressed feelings-especially strong negative ones—always find expression in some form or another.
In these cases, the one-sided lover often takes their (unconscious or somewhat conscious) resentment and frustration out on their so-called friend without really knowing what they’re doing. They may make hurtful comments that they try to spin as “jokes,†or “telling you things honestly for your own good because I really care about you, and I can say them because we are such good friends†or some other RATIONALIZATION. This is never more true than when the other person expresses interest in another person or, god forbid, starts seeing someone else. Your apparent honesty about things, One-Sided Lover, may not have made things any less painful for you when the woman you liked found someone else, but it likely helped prevent you from saying and doing things that would have hurt her and/or the relationship.
On a final note, let’s return to the issue of being afraid to take risks in this and other types of situations. I’ve already mentioned a few techniques to help clarify things for yourself and to make the decision-making process less daunting and anxiety provoking. To elaborate on this, ask yourself, “What am I afraid will LIKELY happen if I do ___?†Once you have your answer, ask yourself, “If that really does happen, what am I afraid will LIKELY happen?â€
After you answer that, keep asking yourself the same question for each answer until either you realize that the outcome is not really that bad and so you might as well give it a shot, or you decide that the risks far outweigh any possible benefits. When doing this exercise, you will probably need to ask yourself, “What is the REALISTIC probability that ___ will REALLY happen?â€
For instance, if you’re debating discussing a bad grade on an assignment with your professor, you might come up with “I’ll get kicked out of university for questioning the grade†as a possible outcome. This is certainly a good reason NOT to discuss the grade. But is this a realistic outcome? How many people do you know who actually got kicked out of university for discussing a grade (assuming they didn’t threaten the professor with physical violence or worse)?
There are several books one can get which contain other techniques to help you in these kinds of situations, and which help you to think more REALISTICALLY. One of them is “The Feeling Good Book†by David Byrne (many of my patients with anxiety have bought it, but I know no one who has actually finished it; but it does have some really helpful information and teaches you how to think more adaptively). Another is “Mind Over Mood†by Greenberger and Padesky (some people find it too dry and/or time consuming, but if you put the effort into doing the exercises, they really can help and they eventually become much easier to do, preferably to the point that you automatically begin to use more adaptive ways of questioning and thinking about things).
You can also check out any small bookstores in your city that specialize in selling these kinds of books to see what they recommend (I doubt most people working at Indigo or Chapters would be able to offer the same kind of assistance, unless these megastores now have their employees extensively read up on the books in their specific section). In Toronto, Caversham near Spadina and Harbord is the place to go.
So, One-Sided Lover, I hope I’ve given you some things to reflect on for future opportunities that I am sure will present themselves. Or, better yet, future opportunities that you help ensure come to fruition.
———————————
Please send your questions to lovecraft72@gmail.com
Topics: Sex Advice | 5 Comments »
The One Finger Salute?
By The Love Doc | September 14, 2007
Hey Doc,
I have been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year now. He is very affectionate, always telling me he loves me, and I am 100% secure in our love for each other. However, I have recently been thinking about how much I feel the need for him to show me how much he cares in a more material sense….ahem, I mean jewelry. I have never thought of myself as a materialistic person, and I truly am not. I have just been feeling like I deserve something to keep on my finger just as a reminder of how much he loves me.
He doesn’t make a lot of money, he is in school and currently interns for free. However, he does have money. But unlike me, he doesn’t prioritize his spending well. Which means I give really great, thoughtful and expensive gifts for all those special occasions that couples encounter during the course of a year, while he is…cheap. I could understand if he had no money, but he does, and spends it on fast food and impulse purchases that he really doesn’t need. This is what gets me and slightly hurts my feelings. I feel that he should want to give me something great, and therefore would save up for certain occasions instead of trying to do things for free and then spending what money he has on other useless things. So for our one-year anniversary of the relationship both of us agree is the best one we have ever been in, I want a small ring, nothing extravagant, not an engagement ring or even a “promise ring”, just something to hold on that finger to prove to myself every day that I do mean a lot to him.
He also has the tendency to get quite frustrated when other men hit on me or look at me for too long. And he knows that when I go out with my girlfriends I am constantly approached. So I would love to have a ring on that special finger to prove that I am taken, both for his own comfort and so I wouldn’t have to bother with annoying men as much. I know that many men disregard this, but it has to cut it down at least a little.
He has never spent a lot of money on me for anything, and I really feel like he needs to redeem himself. This one time and then not for a while, I can’t expect too much from him, obviously. My main issue is that I don’t think he will go through with this unless I tell him I want this, or someone does…I really have no idea how I would do this. I don’t want to say “baby, I want a ring.” I feel that he would be offended by that, or perhaps freaked out. And I don’t him to buy me a ring because I told him to. I want him to buy me one because he wanted to. Even a necklace or a bracelet would be satisfying. I want something that clearly states that he sacrificed eating out and buying selfish impulsive items for a while to save up for something that I would love.
So I guess the question is…how do I go about somehow receiving this ring on our anniversary?
Signed, Troubled lonely finger.
Hey Troubled lonely finger,
First, I’m sorry to see that you’re not having certain expectations met with your boyfriend, some of which do not bode well for future planning (I’ll get to those below). As for your question, the first thing I would suggest is that you read this recent response to Plus ca change, plus c’est things suck.
Much of what I wrote can apply to your situation as well, which is why I provided such a long answer: to use it as a reference for many of the different issues people experience in their relationships.
The next essential point–and this applies to most people in relationships and virtually any other circumstance—is that you need to try to be completely honest about your needs and motives, as well as the probability of certain things happening; and try to separate and distinguish among these different needs and motives. In your case, you say one purpose of the ring is to cut down on men hitting on you. But later you say that even a necklace or bracelet from him would suffice. Unless those pieces of jewelry read: “BACK OFF, I’M TAKEN,†they would not serve that supposed purpose of keeping annoying men from hitting on you.
Now, you may use that line on your boyfriend to try to motivate him to buy the ring, but try to be clear with yourself about how important the “annoying man repellant†factor of the ring is. You already know it will not stop most men in your age range (late teens to early- to mid- or even late-20’s), many of whom either don’t care about such things or have come to realize that many women use rings for such purposes, regardless of their relationship status (you can thank your many sisters who blow their “I-have-a-ring-so-it-means-I’m-taken†act every night, for that). So a reduction of maybe 5 or 10% of men hitting on you really is not going to make much difference for you. Besides, that reduction will be compensated for by the even more annoying response of many men who will act like super idiots once they see the ring.
That is, you can expect many men to see the ring as a “challenge†that inspires them to try even harder to talk with you (and to progress further). Some will say nothing about your supposed status, others will assume the aforementioned “super idiot†role and say things like “So where is your fiancé? If my girl was as hot as you, there’s no way I’d let her out alone…guess he doesn’t care about you,†or “You have a guy? So what? He’s not here, is he?†or “If you were really engaged, why are you out here with all these men around?†or other similar crap. And I’m sure you’ve seen the tone and attitude with which these things are said: it’s often very arrogant, rude, disrespectful and insulting, especially once he realizes that things aren’t going anywhere.
So let’s put aside that supposed motive for getting a ring, at least for you. Like I said, if you want to try to convince your boyfriend that it will serve any such purpose, go ahead. Maybe he’ll buy it (the rationale, if not the ring).
I also mentioned being honest about probabilities. Based on what you’ve said, it doesn’t seem very likely that your boyfriend will suddenly surprise you with a ring on your anniversary. As mentioned in my previous response to Plus ca change, (point 4)), being able to predict/expect things accurately is very important to your well-being. So, as unromantic as it may seem, it’s usually healthier to look at your relationship honestly, rather than to “fantasize†about things that you hope will happen but will probably never come to pass.
So where does that leave you regarding a ring or other form of (expensive) jewelry?
Another important point is not to impose your own way of doing things and expectations on others. What I mean is, if you’re the type of person who enjoys doing things like buying expensive presents for others, that’s great. It would also be nice if they would reciprocate, of course. But if they don’t, you can’t really resent them for it. All you can do is say “lesson learned†and realize that they may not be the type of person to do such things; or maybe they are but don’t feel inclined to do so for you; or maybe they are but haven’t felt that circumstances so far have warranted their reciprocation (whether this is objectively true or not); etc etc.
The point is, once you realize that someone most likely not do things they way you expect or want them to do, YOU have the CHOICE whether to keep or stop doing things a certain way for or with them. Of course, many people will give others several chances before making such a decision, and this seems like a reasonable thing to do. But once you’ve got pretty clear indications of how certain people are with respect to various issues, it’s not helpful for you to keep doing things that will (eventually) frustrate or anger you. So either stop doing those things that anger or frustrate you, or do them with the understanding that the other person will not reciprocate.
Either way, the point is to have realistic expectations of the other person and then to choose whether you can accept these things about the other person or whether these things are so “terrible†that it’s not worth your health to remain with them.
Conversely, HOPING (or “fantasizingâ€) that the person will all of a sudden drastically change is not realistic and not healthy for you.
But it is also important to realize that I am saying this with the assumption that you have already clearly and effectively communicated your thoughts, concerns, or needs with the other person as I stressed so many times to Plus ca change, and have come to realize that the person cannot or will not do things as you want.
Now, Troubled lonely finger, you also mentioned your boyfriend’s feelings about your being hit on by other men. From your letter I can’t tell how this all goes down, so I can’t say much about that. But these kinds of things are often clear warning signs of trouble. Again, I don’t know how you or he acts and reacts in these situations, so I will refrain from comment. But everything I’ve said here and in my response to Plus ca change about being trying to be honest about yourself, your motives, your partner, your relationship, etc. applies here as well.
The final point has to do with money: Again, keeping in mind everything I’ve said above (and keeping in mind that I know very little about your relationship), this may be the biggest issue. That is, if you envision any kind of future with your boyfriend, his apparent irresponsibility and inability to “prioritize†his spending will be a source of great tension for you two, especially considering how different he is from you in this respect.
I can see why you would feel resentful, knowing that he pisses away what little money he gets on useless things, while not ever thinking to save up and buy YOU something nice once in a while. What does that say about his feelings for you? How much of a priority he places on you and the relationship, regardless of what he CLAIMS?
Then again, maybe that’s just the way he is with money and he really does love you more than life itself. If that’s the case, once again I suggest you read my response to Plus ca change and then use as much honesty as possible in trying to see if you can a) determine how much of this issue is YOUR problem and how much is HIS problem, b) effectively express to him how important certain things are to you, and/or c) tolerate the differences in how you two deal with money and expressions of “love.â€
I will finish off by repeating two things I said to Plus ca change: 1) Although it may seem as if I’m putting most of the onus/responsibility on you, Troubled lonely finger,, this is not the case. I would expect just as much effort from your boyfriend. But since you’re the one who wrote, I’m directing this to you. Because the fact is, as much as we may want our partner to change, much of the change has to come from ourselves, not the other person. This is because people rarely change in major ways just because someone else asks or tells them to. Knowing that, you need to make some important realizations, decisions and actions, one of which is trying to determine how important and tolerable certain “faults” in the other person are, since these are unlikely to change if they are a major part of that person’s character.
2) I hope this has given you some things to reflect on, Troubled lonely finger. If anything I’ve written inspires you to think about certain things that you think would be worth sharing, please feel free to do so and I can share some more thoughts on your circumstances. In the meantime, you’ve got your work cut out for you and I hope you will be able to deal with these issues in a manner that is most healthy and adaptive for you and your relationship.
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Please send your questions to lovecraft72@gmail.com
Topics: Sex Advice | 2 Comments »
Ch-ch-ch-changes…
By The Love Doc | September 13, 2007
Hey Doc,
I appreciate that you don’t “beat around the bush” in your responses to people’s questions. You tell it how it is. Its very insightful and much of the advice I can apply to my own life.
As many of the other readers, I have a problem in my relationship with my boyfriend. Or I think there is a problem, I’m not sure if he feels the same way. We’ve been dating for about a year now and 95% of the time I’m very happy with him. However, that 5% of the time, things just seem not to work out. We are both very different individuals, but at the same time-share many similarities. He’s grown to resent his family for things they’ve done to him and each other. He sometimes “blows up†quickly on even the members he sort of gets along with and doesn’t speak with others, even though he lives with them. As a result, he’s grown to tend to his own emotions and rely solely on himself.
Now the problem I face is that I feel that I put a lot more into our relationship than he does. I always call him or send him cute text messages remind him how much I care about him. I always keep him informed of what I’m doing so he never has to wonder where I am, whom I’m with and what I am doing. I just think this is considerate and respectful. But I feel he doesn’t do the same to me and this is very important to me as I feel these small things are what truly show how much one cares for the other.
Since we started dating he’s always said I’m the most important thing to him and that because of me he doesn’t need any of his other friends because I am his best friend. As a result I’ve slowly cut off many of my friends whom I was very close with and went to for emotional support (as I myself do not have a close relationship with my family). For the past 10 months we’ve hung out together ALMOST every single day, he’s given me the key to his house and introduced me to his family he hadn’t seen in years (He says he finally visited them only because he was proud to have such a great girlfriend he can introduce to his family).
Lately, he’s met some new friends and now he’s begun to hang out with them every so often. Now this affects me and I feel jealous because for the past 9 months he’s never gone out with his friends unless I was unable to be there with him, otherwise I’d always be the first on his list. Part of me feels that he doesn’t care about me as much, or that he’s getting sick of always being with me. But the other part of me thinks it’s because these new friends of his are better than his previous friends. All his old friends used to want to do is drugs, so I’m thinking that now he’s made new friends which he can relate to and therefore actually want to be around. I’m just really confused about what is going on. I feel like I’ve dropped everything for him and do everything for him. He says he does so much for me but I don’t feel that way. I’m the type of person that appreciates the small things in life. For example I’d rather have him write me a letter about how much I mean to him rather than buy jewelry or spend money on me. The letter would have SOOO much more meaning to me.
At the beginning of our relationship he used to remind me how much he loves me all the time and how happy he is to be with me. Now the only time he says that to me is when we get into an argument and we actually have a good conversation. I know he tells other people how much he loves me because I’ve had people come up to me and say “wow what did you do to your boyfriend he’s crazy in love with youâ€.
I’ve tried to talk to other people about my issue but everyone gives me their own advice and everyone’s advice just seems to conflict and its just giving me one big headache!
Signed, Plus ca change, plus c’est things suck
Hey plus ca change,
First, I’m sorry to see that you’re experiencing this confusion and distress in your relationship. Your letter raises many important issues:
1) Two major elements of couple’s therapy, or two ways in which approaches to this type of therapy differ, is that some therapists focus on the “here and now†of the relationship; sometimes it’s “simply†a matter of teaching more effective communication techniques (something I’ve referred to often on this site and www.docamitay.com), other times it may involve helping clients see beneath the surface problems and recognizing what’s really going on in the relationship.
This latter technique is often closer to the other element/approach/philosophy of couple’s therapy, which is that each person should focus on his or her OWN issues—usually stemming from their childhood and subsequent relationships with significant others—rather than the other person’s problems. Once you can really work out your OWN issues, you will relate much better to others, be it the current partner or anyone else you may end up with.
Of course, there are more elements and approaches to couple’s therapy, but these are two that I think are relevant to your situation, plus ca change (and they are not mutually exclusive; that is, even if each client focuses on his or her own issues, learning effective communication is always desirable).
2) Building on 1), I don’t know if or how you’ve conveyed to your boyfriend the ways that you want him to express his love for you. The fact is, people often differ in how they express their love, commitment, appreciation, etc., and some people are okay with that, as long as they truly feel the other person does really feel those things. Many times one person just assumes the other person “should†express themselves this or that way, even if that’s not part of their natural way of doing such things.
If you don’t let the other person know EXACTLY HOW you want/need them to convey their feelings, you can’t expect them to do so in the manner you want. But even if you do tell them, many times they will not be able to comply with your wishes because that just might not be the way they function. They may be able to do some occasionally, or regularly in the short-run, but often it’s very hard to consistently and permanently change how one functions in this respect. Why is that? Again, it goes back to what I said in 1) about dealing with one’s past issues.
At the same time, if you can’t accept your partner’s method of expressing love etc.—assuming that “the average person†would agree that the partner truly IS demonstrating love etc., even if it’s not to your liking—you have to go back to your OWN past issues to try to understand why YOU can’t accept your partner’s way of doing things. Similarly, what YOU think is “unacceptable,†“inexcusable†or “intolerable†behaviour by your partner might be something most people think is very minor or entirely reasonable and understandable.
This is where many people have troubles: It’s much easier to look at THE OTHER PERSON’S “faults†than their own. This is an issue I’ve dealt with my own blog several times and is something I can’t explore fully here, since this response will already be extremely long.
So, I’ll focus more on the other relevant issue here, which is that many people have problems in their relationship because they think that THEIR way of expressing themselves (or doing whatever) is the “right†or “good†way and can’t understand why the other person doesn’t get it and can’t do it their way.
For instance, say you’re the kind of person who needs your partner to say “I love you†every day. I think most people would agree that this is a pretty easy thing to do, even if it may seem like “overkill†to some, or may seem to “cheapen†the message when said repeatedly, since it can seem like a simple greeting or some other automated task. So, I can understand why you might feel upset if your partner couldn’t do such a simple task.
However, what does getting upset do? Does it help the situation? No. Does it make you feel better? No. Will it make your partner more likely to love you? No. Will it make your partner more likely to do what you want? Maybe no, maybe yes; if yes, the partner will likely also resent you, which eventually leads to more problems down the road.
3) So how do you reduce your chances of getting upset? As I’ve stressed many times, EMPATHY—which means trying to see things from the other person’s perspective—is the key here. Instead of getting upset at your partner for not being able to see things your way, try to empathize and see if you could do things the way your partner would prefer, even if you think it’s ridiculous.
Returning to the previous example, suppose your partner believes that people show their love through staying out of each other’s way most of the time. For someone who needs the other person to say “I love you†every day, this kind of demonstration of love would seem silly and very difficult to do. But they should try to see if they could do it for a long time. When you see how hard it is to do something the way your partner wants or expects, you can begin to appreciate how hard it is for them to do what YOU want or expect them to do, even if you believe YOUR way is the “better†way.
That’s a step toward empathy.
4) Perhaps the most important thing to keep in mind is something I tell all of my clients and students, especially those who think “Why should I be the one who does this or that,†or “Why can’t I get upset when my partner does something wrong?!â€
The fact is, all of this is designed to help YOU. Sure, it’s nice to think of others and some people think it’s virtuous to “sacrifice†yourself for their wellbeing. Regardless of what you think about such statements, the fact is that you can’t really be good to others—at least not for very long—if you are not good to yourself. And one of the best ways to be good to yourself is to stay psychologically, emotionally, and physically healthy.
Taking another person’s perspective, even if you personally disagree with it, is supposed to help you better understand what they are doing and why they are doing it. Many times the reasons for people’s actions are not nearly as “bad†as you assume; many times it has little or nothing to do with you—e.g., they are not intentionally trying to hurt or anger you, but instead “can’t help†but act a certain way because of their own issues. And when you realize this, it is supposed to help you get less upset, angry, hurt, resentful, etc., since many of these feelings are natural reactions to being (intentionally) WRONGED by someone; taking the other person’s perspective often helps you see that this is not actually the case. And reducing strong, negative feelings is one of the best ways to stay healthy on all fronts.
Another reason taking another person’s perspective helps YOU is that it helps you know what to expect in various situations: it gives you a stronger sense of PREDICTABILITY and reduces your chances of being “caught off guard†by the other person’s actions. And all of this increases your sense of CONTROL over yourself and your environment, which is one of the most important factors in staying mentally, emotionally, and physiologically healthy.
5) What if you take the other person’s perspective and/or try to determine what “the average person†would think about things, and come to the conclusion that the other person is, in fact, intentionally hurting you or is truly doing things the a “bad†or “wrong†way? Perhaps the most obvious example of this is someone who is physically abusive (I use this example because most “normal†people in North America would agree that this is unacceptable behaviour, whereas many other examples could be debated). I am in no way suggesting that anyone tolerate what most people would consider unacceptable behaviour. I will discuss this important point more at the end of this long response.
6) For now, let’s return to (and stop me if you’ve heard this before) trying to respond internally in a healthy manner and using effective communication to deal with a partner who is not intentionally trying to hurt you. In many cases, the partner might truly think their manner of conveying “love†or other feelings is “good,†when in fact it is objectively not, according to “the average person†(e.g., taking out the garbage once every 50 times probably doesn’t count as a romantic or selfless gesture).
In addition to remembering what I said in points 2) – 4) above, you have to keep in mind that YOU have a CHOICE in how you deal with such a situation, even though making the “right†choice is often very difficult because of your own past issues. To highlight this essential issue, I’m going to raise another key point. What I say in the following example can also be applied to the preceding example of a partner who doesn’t quite get that their manner of conveying “love†and other feelings is not so great.
7) What I’m talking about here is that, despite what I said above about how difficult it is to change your way of functioning, the fact is that often small gestures can make a huge difference.
For instance, your desire for your boyfriend to write a letter expressing his love is very reasonable. If you explain to him how important this is to you, in a way that does not make him feel defensive, incompetent, or whatever—this is where the effective communication comes in—there’s no reason he can’t do this occasionally.
But if he does it a few times and then stops, many people in your situation would begin to get resentful and wonder why he can’t do such a simple thing. Then they might either sulk or fume in silence while imagining all sorts of terrible things about themselves and/or their partner, or “attack†their partner for “obviously†not being able to show his love in such a simple way. As I’m sure you can see, none of these reactions is healthy and none will lead to an improvement in the relationship.
The healthier/more adaptive response would be a) to focus on the positive: to appreciate that the partner DID do what you asked, at least once (or more); he DID make an effort (if he really did, since writing, e.g., “I luv u†probably wouldn’t really count); b) to recognize that change does not come easily…it takes a LONG time and requires a LOT of continued effort; c) to realize that what may mean so much to you may mean very little to your partner, and thus it’s not realistic to expect them to be nearly as motivated to do it (if at all) as you would be, and that this does not mean they’re a bad person in any way…they have a different past from yours and thus different things have different meanings for each of you; d) to thank the partner for what they have done and then to remind them—using effective communication—of how important the gesture is to you; and e) to expect that you will need to repeat this process a number of times.
8 ) If you’ve done all of these things and your partner still fails to comply with reasonable or somewhat reasonable requests to demonstrate their feelings in a way that is meaningful/important to you, you need to ask yourself some difficult questions.
Namely, what does this failure really say about your partner, your relationship, and you? How important are these demonstrations of love or unequal investment in the relationship or whatever else might be a source of confusion, distress, and other negative feelings to you? Are you able to stay with this person despite their inability to demonstrate their love, contribute more to the relationship, etc? All things considered, is your partner’s failure in this matter limited to only this area, or is it a reflection of a deeper, more widespread and serious issue with them and/or the relationship? Depending on your answer to these and other similar questions, does it make sense to be with your partner?
Unfortunately, many people logically know the answer to most of these questions, but relatively few people act logically regarding these answers. Once again, the reason for this usually stems from one’s past issues and relationships, usually reaching back to childhood. But even this awareness is not usually sufficient to motivate someone to act in the healthiest/most adaptive manner.
That is, logic is usually trumped by emotions, as well as beliefs, rules, assumptions, unmet needs, and other “baggage†we’ve been unconsciously carrying around with us since childhood. That is why so many of us tend to display “irrational†thoughts, feelings, and actions much of the time, even if we don’t see them as such.
And everything I’ve written in this section applies even more so to people who are in abusive relationships. Unfortunately, such individuals often have such a long history of abuse—typically beginning in early childhood—that it is usually far more difficult for them to remove themselves from their unhealthy relationship. This is an issue that is far beyond the scope of this blog.
9) Much of what I’ve written about looking at yourself and your past honestly also applies to what you wrote about the very close, almost exclusive relationship you two had when it came to socializing. While it’s healthy to reduce or eliminate your association with people who may drag you down, keep you down, or otherwise “do you harm,†you two seemed to take this to an extreme.
In cases like yours, it’s common for one or both partners to eventually find one or more people to “bond†with. When that happens, the other person often feels like you’re feeling. I’m sure all sorts of concerns are running through your mind, some of which may be “rational†or warranted, others of which might be less so. At the risk of being labeled a broken record, I can’t stress enough the importance of communicating these concerns in a healthy, effective and productive manner. Otherwise, you have no idea which concerns are “rational†or not.
And what is OBJECTIVELY TRUE is irrelevant; what you FEEL or BELIEVE about these things will dictate how you act and react, which will have an effect on you, your boyfriend, and your relationship. Therefore, keeping in mind what I’ve written above, discussing these issues with him is essential.
10) The new friends, your boyfriend’s change in how often he tells you he loves you, and other changes in your relationship are to be expected in any relationship. Too many people get caught off guard when things change, either for short periods or more permanently. This is a natural part of the “growing process†of a relationship and, as you can probably guess, needs to be addressed with healthy communication. As mentioned earlier, this means not making the other person feel defensive; stating how you feel about things, with the recognition that your feelings may not necessarily correspond to “objective realityâ€; not “playing dirtyâ€; not getting sidetracked with minor, irrelevant details; really listening to what the other person has to say and making sure the other person listens to what you say; avoiding saying hurtful things, even if they are “accurateâ€; focusing on YOU as opposed to THEM; expressing your needs rather than saying how much the other person is failing to do this or that; etc, etc…
11) Your experiences with your friends highlights my points about EMPATHY. When it comes to serious issues, “advice†from friends is usually not very helpful for a few reasons: first, they will often see things from their own perspective; they filter your stories through their own lenses of personal experiences, which may be quite different from your own. Second, they will often tell you things you already know, regardless of how insightful and original they think they are being. You may even think you’re hearing something new, but most times it’s not. You may even believe at the time that you will follow their advice, but most times you will not (on serious issues). That is why you didn’t do the very same thing they’re suggesting to you when you thought of it yourself. Why is this?
Well, most people are afraid of big change. It’s anxiety provoking. As mentioned above at the end of point 4), having a sense of predictability and control is a huge component to staying healthy on several levels. Making big changes usually robs us (temporarily) of this sense of security and control. When it comes to relationships, many people are afraid that if they leave their partner, they’ll never find anyone else again, even when there’s lots of past and current evidence against such catastrophic fears. Generally speaking, many people would rather remain in a crummy relationship or other situation that they are used to, rather than risk the scary unknown that comes with making significant changes.
There are many other factors that lead people to remain in relationships or other circumstances that they know on some level is not healthy for them. This is why so many people RATIONALIZE their motives and actions; in other words, they make up excuses for things that they (and usually no one else) do or don’t do, since it reduces their anxiety and prevents them from having to make those dreaded terrifying changes.
Such unconscious defence mechanisms may benefit them in the short-run, but in the long run they are self-defeating because the person does not learn more healthy/adaptive ways of looking at and dealing with issues. When that happens, they are doomed to keep repeating the same problems over and over.
12) Although it may seem as if I’m putting most of the onus/responsibility on you, plus ca change, this is not the case. I would expect just as much effort from your boyfriend. But since you’re the one who wrote, I’m directing this to you. Because the fact is, as much as we may want our partner to change, much of the change has to come from ourselves, not the other person. This is because people rarely change in major ways just because someone else asks or tells them to. Knowing that, you need to make some important realizations, decisions and actions, one of which is trying to determine how important and tolerable certain “faults” in the other person are, since these are unlikely to change if they are a major part of that person’s character.
We should try to express our needs as well as possible, but once we’ve done that, it’s mostly up to the other person to decide if they want to change. At the same time, we need to look at our own role in relationship issues before, during, and after any changes our partner might make. And if our partner is unable or unwilling to make any “reasonable” changes or compromises–assuming that WE are willing to make such changes/compromises ourselves–then it’s time to reflect on those very difficult questions from point 8 ) above.
So, plus ca change, I hope this has given you some things to reflect on. Please also understand that I really don’t have that much to go on regarding your situation, even though you did provide a fair bit of information (for instance, I don’t even know how old you two are). If anything I’ve written inspires you to think about certain things that you think would be worth sharing, please feel free to do so and I can share some more thoughts on your circumstances. In the meantime, I wish you lots of strength, perseverance, and tact in dealing with the issues you’ve raised.
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Please send your questions to lovecraft72@gmail.com
Topics: Sex Advice | 3 Comments »
Toronto International Film Festival
By madeline | September 6, 2007
The film festival has arrived in Toronto. The city is experiencing the glow of Hollywood and all the excitment celebrities bring. Paris Hilton was at the Ultra Supper Club last night and I’m sure there will be hundred’s more celebrity citings.
Today ET Canada is filming an interview for a film debuting at the film festival called “Young People Fucking”. Tonight we’re handing out condoms at the premiere at the Manulife Centre for “Young People Fucking”. So if you happen to be in the neighbourhood do stop by to collect your flavoured condom!
On Saturday, 8 September, Nicole from Aqualaria, a personal body massage line, will be in our 27 Yorkville Ave location. She will be explaining the benefits and qualities of her decadent massage products. All the products will be available for sale while Aqualaria is here on Saturday.
Lovecraft’s Gallery of Erotic Art is pleased to announce that our inagural exhibition is the work of photographer Nir Bareket. His collection of erotic photographs are a striking interpretation of women and men in a variety of erotic poses. His black and white images reveal the unique beauty and esquisite nature of the human body. Opening night is 18 September, 2007. You have a lot of time to appreciate the exhibit as it will run until 31 December 2007.
Also in September Nuit Blanche happens on 29 September 7:03pm to sunrise. Nuit Blanche is an all night arts festival taking place in several Toronto neighbourhoods. Yorkville will be participating once again. Many shops and restaurants will also be participating as well as the many art galleries in Yorkville. Lovecraft will be showcasing Nir Bareket’s photography as well as staying open until at least midnight perhaps later depending upon the crowds!
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